And it's only $500!

Can you believe THIS is actually being marketed as a PROM DRESS for teenage girls? I think even Britney Spears would consider it a bit much....

Worried Sick

My father is missing. His cell phone has been disconnected, and he is not answering emails.

On the one hand, I know I should not be overly concerned. Dad has taken off before; he usually comes back with a new girlfriend (sometimes, a new wife) that none of his children have met before. He is naturally impulsive, and will go off to Vegas or a quick trip to Florida on a moment's notice. He does not feel the need to clear his plans with anyone; never has, probably never will. He likes being mysterious and unpredictable, I think. In the past, when he's done this, he even seemed to find it amusing that I would worry. It's all a game to him.

On the other hand...my father is very, very sick. By all accounts, he's living on borrowed time. He should've been dead long ago, but he's succeeded in being a medical mystery as well. And it ISN'T like him to disconnect his cell phone...not answer it, sure. Let the voice mail clog up, absolutely. But disconnect it? No. And he loves the Internet...unless he's pissed off at me and hasn't bothered telling me why as of yet (which is entirely plausible), I can't see why he wouldn't answer my repeated emails.

And then there's the voice mail message I got from him last week. He spoke of being unable to work, and wishing he'd taken me up on my offer to live here, with me. He sounded depressed. He sounded drunk, to be completely frank. He left no number to reach him.

And so, as usual, I don't know how to feel when it comes to dear old Dad. Our entire relationship is a contradiction in terms: we are opposites, we do not get along, and yet we are father and daughter and we love one another. The more I try to get close to him, the more he seems to resent it and turns away, preferring instead the company of my sister and brother, who exist only to treat him like dirt and steal as much money as they can before the old man kicks off.

I'm worried sick, and at the same time, wary of being worried, because so often he's done these things only TO worry me, and then laugh at me for being such a soft spot. Or berate me for treating him "like a child," who doesn't have the right to take off to play the slots anytime he chooses. He has a point there, of course. Not to excuse his behavior....

Prayers appreciated, of course. Pray that he is ok and (relatively) sober. And that he'll contact me or my sane sister, by some means, and let us know he's alive and well.

Oy vey.

ATTENTION!!! ANNOUNCEMENT!!!

I am taking a short blog break, while I go out of town to visit my in-laws.



I'll be back and blogging again in about two weeks.




Thanks for reading...and wish me luck.




---Zen Angel




Don't forget to check out my other blogs:


Bad Baby Names!

Message Board Hell: Weird Posts From Cyberspace

Adoption Stories: Her Two Dads

I have a sick 16-month-old on my hands, who seems to think that Mommy is actually an armchair. She wants nothing more than to lounge on me during every moment of her waking hours. It has left me with a lot of time to read (finally finished "The Princes in the Tower") and watch tv.

Today, while flipping channels, I came upon a show called "Adoption Stories." The premise is pretty self-explanatory. I've never seen this program before, but I'm glad I watched today's episode.

It involved a gay couple trying to adopt via the foster care system in California. At first, they were given a baby, but after several months the courts returned the infant to her birth family. They were devastated, but refused to give up on their dream of having a child. Some time later, they were given the opportunity to take in a 9-year-old girl, Andrea.

This was no baby, and no simple case. Andrea had been in foster care since she was 4, and in that five-year span, she'd been in no less than ten different foster homes. She had issues of abandonment and trust (can you blame her?). And of course, the couple had to worry about how the child would take to life in a "non-traditional" household.

They had a rough start. Andrea was prone to tantrums. After one, she packed her bags, assuming the gay couple would send her away as the other families had done. They were appalled at the very idea, and let her know that she was there to stay.

And she is. Two years after coming to their home, Andrea was legally adopted.

What happened to Andrea is not, sadly, typical of foster-kids today. She was taken in by a loving couple with an extremely close-knit and supportive extended family and group of friends. Her new family did everything they could to help her adjust, to help fix the damage that years of bouncing from home to home had done to her education, and give her a true and stable, loving home. It doesn't hurt that the couple is obviously financially well-off; Andrea is unlikely to worry about how to pay for college now. The family house is beautiful, and they even own a few horses. And that little girl fit in like a missing jigsaw-puzzle piece. To look upon that family was to see the picture of love.

I thank God they found each other. And it saddens me to realize that there are those in this country who would rather Andrea continued to be shuffled from foster home to foster home, with "traditional" families who got rid of her at the first sign of trouble. They would, if they could, deny that little girl her family.

Shame on them for considering such a thing...and calling it "family values."

Shamelessly Plugging My Best Friend's Blog

My best friend of well over a decade has been bitten by the blogging bug...he's just getting started, but you can read all about him at In Defense of My Existence.

I've written about Fizz here before, and will undoubtably do so again. He is a constant source of love, support and inspiration for me. May he be so for others.

Your Honor, the Nutbag: Judge Stalls Abused Woman's Divorce

Apparently, compassion and good ol' common sense are not requirements to take the bench:


Judge Stalls Woman's Divorce From Abusive Spouse

In Seattle, Shawnna J. Hughes was granted a divorce. But much to her chagrin, barely a week later, the 27-year-old medical assistant was back before a judge, who rescinded the order after learning Hughes was pregnant by another man.

"Not only is it the policy of this court, it is the policy of the state that you cannot dissolve a marriage when one of the parties is pregnant," Superior Court Judge Paul A. Bastine told Hughes on Nov. 4.

The ruling has provoked outrage among women's rights groups and provided ample fodder for local talk-radio hosts and newspaper columnists.

Experts said there was no blanket prohibition in the laws of this or any other state against pregnant women getting divorced; several Seattle-area family law practitioners said that they had obtained divorces for pregnant clients.

"I cannot think of any policy that would require this woman to stay married to a person who was in prison for abusing her," said Carol Bruch, a law professor at UC Davis.

In any event Hughes, who lives in Spokane and is due to give birth in March, remains married to her abuser — a situation she describes as psychologically devastating. She said her six-year union with Carlos Hughes was "more like a prison than a marriage."

When she got pregnant in June, Hughes said, her estranged husband was serving time for domestic assault. She said she has had no contact with Carlos Hughes, who recently was transferred to a jail in Montana to await trial on federal drug charges, for two years.

But, she said, her husband called her grandmother from the jail and told her that he was taking the pregnancy as "a sign from God" that the couple should be together. this is beyond creepy. "It made my stomach turn," Shawnna Hughes said.

Although there is a restraining order preventing Carlos Hughes from initiating any contact, Shawnna Hughes said she was terrified by the prospect of him coming back.

She has custody of their two boys, ages 5 and 3.

The American Civil Liberties Union and the Northwest Women's Law Center, an advocacy group in Seattle, have joined in Shawnna Hughes' appeal. If the ruling is upheld, they say, it not only amounts to discrimination but also could establish a perverse incentive for an abusive husband to get his wife pregnant in order to force her to stay married. And it could prompt some women to terminate their pregnancies to obtain a divorce.

"You can't use a woman's status as a pregnant person to discriminate against her," said Lisa Stone, executive director of the women's law center. "You simply can't say, well, everyone else in the state is entitled to get a divorce in a timely fashion, except this one group of people."

Some lawyers expressed puzzlement over Bastine's blanket statement that pregnant women could not get divorced.

Further roiling controversy in the case, Bastine told Shawnna Hughes that she had forced a prolongation of her marriage on herself with the "intentional act" of getting pregnant.

"You have created the situation by your own actions that delay your opportunity to dissolve your marriage," he said in the Nov. 4 hearing.



What the hell? Her husband goes to PRISON for abusing her, and she is forced to stay married to him because she's PREGNANT? What is this, Puritan times? The only positive thing I can see coming out of this case is that Judge Bastine has now retired, ensuring that he will no longer be in a position to further traumatize abuse victims ever again. I guess the system DOES work...sometimes.

And they wonder why so many abused women never come forward...

Nutbag Father "Upset" Over Sentence After Beating Child to Death

Sometimes, the absolute chutzpah of some nutbags just makes you want to go postal. To that end, I offer:

Father in Fatal Beating Upset Over Sentence

A former Garfield County man, Harley Quint Young, sentenced to prison for 30 years for beating his four-and-a-half-month-old daughter on Febuary 17, 2002 after reportedly coming home from work in "a bad mood" is upset that he was given jail time.

According to deputy district attorney Gretchen Larson, Harley Quint Young told her, "We're one of the better American families. We don't beat our kids and we don't do drugs in front of them." He also stated that the whole thing "sucks."


Boo fucking hoo, asshole. I bet it sucked for your little girl to be visciously murdered, too, you nutbag. You did the crime, you do the time...and I hope they beat you senseless in jail. I really, really do. "Better families" my ass.

An Important Life Lesson

No matter how many bath towels you own...you will never own quite enough, nor be able to wash those you DO own fast enough, when you and three kids all have the stomach flu.

Murphy's law as applied to gastrointestinal upset.

Just an FYI

I haven't forgotten the blog...I have the flu. I'm going to bed and pulling the covers over my head.....

I'll be back blogging soon, never fear!

I Just Might Shoot the Television

Being sick means watching a lot of tv. Here are my observations:


THE SURREAL LIFE

This show is like a pop icon train wreck...and I admit to watching it freely. If the first episode of this season is any indicator, it's going to be the WEIRDEST season yet. Here's some things I picked up from it:

A) When did Christopher Knight get so hot? The ladies are all lovin' the Brady. He also seems to be a nice guy...this season's Eric Estrada or Dave Colier.

B) Who does Da Brat think she is? Telling Jane Weidlin SHE'S a has-been? Hello? What has Da Brat done in the past decade, other than bad pop-rap semi-"hits" and an appearance in what has got to be one of the worst movies ever (Glitter)? Get a clue: if you still had a career, honey, you wouldn't be doing this show.

C) Did they really need to put TWO models in the SL house? It's a bit of overkill, don't you think? And as far as I can tell, all Markus does is....well, nothing. He barely speaks. He just sits and looks pretty. So be it.

D) What a mean, extremely silly person Chyna is. A woman in that kind of physical condition, taking a room away from a man who needs a scooter to get around the house? And then practically making him BEG to get it back? What a bitch.

E) I must say, it's far more palatable to see Adrienne from "Top Model" parade around naked than it was to see Bridget Neillson parade around naked. Maybe I won't have to put out my eyes with a fork this time around.

F) Man, can Mini-Me DRINK. And pee in corners. I couldn't stop laughing. I know, bad me...but admit it: it was pretty fucking funny. He's one horny, drunk little dude.



QUEER EYE FOR THE STRAIGHT GIRL

Granted, it's only been one episode...but it BLEW CHUNKS. I love "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy." It's a great show. But this? It's just a mess. One of the guys (the blonde one) seems intent on copying Carson to a tee. The bald guy's accent is so thick, that added with his extreme fondness of mumbling, he's pretty much incomprehensible. And "the lady" (who apparently has no other job than to bring ovaries into the show)? As far as I can tell, she's there to drive the others around. To make matters worse, these four "experts" don't seem to actually care about the people they're helping. They are far more concerned with preening for the camera. It's boring, to say the least.

Psst...here's a helpful hint, guys: if you want to be like the first, fantastic "Queer Eye," you're going to need to CUT THE GIRLS' HAIR. How could they leave that unruly mop on that woman's head? Five minutes with hot rollers didn't do a damn thing for her....as any idiot could have predicted. And how nice of them to throw her make-up into the communal apartment-building pool...must have been real nice for the maintance guy to clean up. Bravo.

Give me Ted and Thom any day...and hold the ovarian chauffeur.


RAMSEY'S KITCHEN NIGHTMARES

This is quickly becoming one of my favorite shows, just after "Law & Order: SVU." If you haven't seen it yet...shame on you. Get your TiVO in action!

Basically, it's a BBC show about a famous Scottish chef (Gordon Ramsey, of Claridge's) who spends a week trying to get failing restaurants into shape. The twist? Ramsey is hard as nails, funnier than most comic actors today and curses like a sailor. He's also damned good at what he does...and it's hard to argue with results.

If you've ever worked in a restaurant, you'll love this show. And you'll wish Ramsey would come to the US! It's too bad that a show like RKN is just too ballsy for American television...it's our loss entirely. Thank God for BBCAmerica.


RE-RUNS

"Roseanne," "Seinfeld" and "Northern Exposure" re-runs are still funnier than damned near every newer sitcom on tv. I'll watch Elaine dance over Raymond's whining any day. And I am praising the graces of TNT and USA for rerunning episodes of "Law & Order" and "Law & Order: SVU." It makes convalescence seem...not so bad after all.


Still, if there's one thing I've learned over this bed-rest period, it's this...I can't wait for it to be over. I might just have to shoot the damned television way before that.

It's My Pity Party, I Can Cry If I Want To

Yes, I'm throwing myself a pity party. So if you're the type who doesn't like to read these things, consider yourself warned and read no further. It's no skin off my nose, I assure you. But don't say I didn't warn you.

This flare-up of the trigeminal neuralgia does not seem to want to let up. I am sick of pain, sick of the ER and sick of doctors. I'm sick of the huge pile of things I need to do but can't get around to addressing (I still haven't even mailed all my Christmas cards yet). I'm sick of feeling useless because all I do is sleep, watch tv and cry. And I can only sleep if the pain's let up a little or I've had a shot. Which reminds me...I'm REALLY sick of shots.

I'm also feeling lonely these days. I can't talk, so I can't really talk to my Ohio friends on the phone or communicate with my Oregon friends in person. I haven't seen Fizz or Ruth in weeks. And really, there's only so much of a friendship that can be conducted via email.

I can't believe I finally get my best friend in the world to move out to Portland, and I'm too damned sick to even go to a movie with him. And "The Phantom" is out! Therein lies the rub. Fizz and I double-dated at our Prom, and the theme was "The Music of the Night" from the "Phantom." I have a photo of the two of us in our Prom gear on my computer desk. It's one of my favorite snapshots.

I know this will pass. I have to believe that, because it's too damned depressing to think otherwise. The fact that it could be MONTHS before I have relief is not a tantalizing prospect. Apparently, the neurosurgeon will not do the surgery until all my dental work is done. I've had the first wave done, but I have two more to go through and they must be spaced out several weeks. The next appointment is at the end of January; the last will be at the end of March or beginning of April. Only then can I get the surgery I need to get out of pain. And even that's not a definate: the surgery doesn't work for everyone. And in some cases, it actually makes it WORSE. I can't even fathom that.

So until then, I'm left living in this sort of limbo. I'm just surviving each day as it comes...which I suppose we all must do. Neuralgia or no neuralgia.

I think without the Internet, I would be much more stressed out. It brings me a lot of comfort to go into my support groups online, and to be able to email the people I care about when I cannot call or visit with them. My blogs keep my mind off my troubles. I highly recommend blogging for stress reduction; it's worked wonders for me. And my message boards---they are like my lifelines. I don't think the people with whom I have posted for the past five years know what they have done for me. The support I've gotten, and the endless debates to redirect my frustration...it's been priceless. A pox on AOL for putting the boards on the Internet now and completely fucking them up. Why AOL must constantly fix things that ain't broken I'll never know. Every time I see that commercial where AOL is pretending to give a damn about the opinions of its members, I want to shoot the freaking tv set into oblivion. Liars, one and all.

Well, look at me. I managed to inject a little positivism in there, didn't I? Fucked up my own pity party, so I did. So be it.



Song for the day:


"Rilkean Heart"---Cocteau Twins


Rilkean heart, I looked for you to give me transcendent experiences
To transport me out of self and aloneness and alienation
Into a sense of oneness and connection ecstatic and magical
I became a junkie for it
I came looking for the next high

And I'm sorry I've been putting the search on the wrong place
I understand that you're confused, feeling overwhelmed
Well that's a feeling state from then, the reality

With cleaning up my emotional life and getting in touch with myself
I'm beginning to ground myself in my own sense of being as an entity
One entity on the planet,
Becoming truly self reliant
And become connected with something beyond me
That is where I have to go

I'm so sorry I've been putting the search on the wrong place
You're lost and don't know what to do
But that's not all of you
That's your reality today
And that is all okay

I understand that you're confused, feeling overwhelmed
Well that's a feeling state from then, the reality

Rilkean heart

You're lost and don't know what to do
But it's not all of you
That's your reality today
And now it's all okay

I understand that you're confused, feeling overwhelmed
Well that's a feeling state from then, the reality

Rilkean Heart
I looked for you to give me transcendent experiences
To transport me out of self and aloneness sent alienation
Into a sense of oneness and connection, ecstatic and magical
I became a junkie for it
I come looking for the next high and I'm sorry I've been putting the search
on the wrong place
I understand that you're confused, feeling overwhelmed
Well love's a feeling straight from then, the reality

Growing up, my emotion of loving and
Getting in touch with myself and I'm getting
to be proud of myself and my own sense of healing
As connected to an entity of the planet

Look I'm truly self-reliant
I've become connected with something beyond me
And that is where I have to go
I'm so sorry I've been putting the search on the wrong place
I'm lost I don't know what to do
It's not all on you
That's the reality today
Right now it's gone
I understand that you're confused
Feeling overwhelmed
Well that's a feeling straight from then
The reality
Rilkean
heart

I'm lost I don't know what to do
It's not all on you
That's the reality today
Right now it's all ok
I understand that you're confused
Feeling overwhelmed
Love's a feeling straight from then
The reality

Quiz #35: Which Broadway Character Are You?

I'm a big Broadway fan, so this looks like fun....


MY RESULTS:


Take the quiz: "Which Broadway character are you? "

Tracy Turnblad
you are a big girl, with big hair and a big heart! Your greatest passion is dancing and luckily the Corny Collins show lets you live your dream! You stand up for what you believe in, and are awarded with the man of your dreams!


I can live with that.

Holding Our Wombs Hostage: Virgina Seeks to Pass Mandatory Miscarriage-Reporting Bill

I am forever amazed at the lengths the anti-choice crowd will go to in an effort to erode Roe v. Wade. If they can't get the law overturned...they'll play dirty pool. And this is some of the dirtiest pool yet.

The State of Virginia is seeking to pass a bill that would require women to report miscarriages. It is a poorly-written bill with far-reaching implications. A woman's privacy would become moot.

One of the authors of the bill is now claiming to "add language" to it (in response to the negative feedback he's received) to state that only stillborn babies would be subject to the law. It is supposedly meant to reduce the number of babies left in dumpsters...although how such a bill would accomplish that is beyond me.

You can read more about this travesty of justice on this great blog: Democracy for Virginia.

I urge residents of Virginia to call, write and e-mail their representatives and let them know that a woman's privacy is not something to mess about with. Don't let such a precedent exist...the possible ramifications simply boggle the mind.

Nutbags of the Year: 2004

As promised, here are the 2004 NUTBAGS OF THE YEAR.

How does one qualify for Nutbag status? It must be an individual (not a group or organization, although many Nutbags belong to questionable groups or organizations) who defies such human traits as sympathy, empathy, logic, intelligence and common sense. Nutbags are often heinous persons with no care whatsoever for the harm they wreck upon themselves, innocent victims and society at large. We all know Nutbags in our day-to-day lives...these Nutbags "distinguish" themselves by becoming famous or semi-famous for their horrendous (or just plain stupid) activities.


On to the list!



THE AWARD FOR NUTBAG BRIDEZILLA OF 2004 GOES TO...STAR JONES!


For making the viewers of "The View" sit through endless hours of meaningless jabber about her wedding and honeymoon...Star Jones gets our first Nutbag of the Year award.



THE AWARD FOR NUTBAG CRUELLY PASSING THE BUCK GOES TO...DONALD RUMSFELD!


What kind of jerk can't find the time to actually SIGN the condolence letters sent to the families of slain soldiers fighting in Iraq? Donald would be that jerk.



THE AWARD FOR ANTI-ISLAMIC NUTBAG OF THE YEAR GOES TO...DON IMUS!


Radio host Imus had lovely things to say this year about Muslims. Just peachy things like, "They're eating dirt and that fat pig wife of his is living in Paris," which was Imus' response to the death of Yassar Arafat. When his colleague referred to Palestinians as "stinking pigs" and that we should "drop the bomb right there, kill 'em all right now," Imus responded by saying that to do so wouldn't be a great move; after all, NBC reporter Andrea Mitchell is "over there," and "...we don't want anything to happen to her." Last but not least, following the crash of a civilian Iranian airliner in February, which killed 43 people, Imus said: "When I hear stories like that, I think 'Who cares?'"

Racist Nutbag Galore: Don Imus.




THE AWARD FOR NUTBAG ENTERTAINER SURRENDING TO COMMERCIALISM ANCIENT RELIGION GOES TO...MADONNA!


She's made millions believe Kabbalah is not the intense, scholarly study of ancient Judaic traditions that the previous millennia has led us to believe...no! It can be achieved through t-shirts and red string bracelets. Way to go, Madge.



THE AWARD FOR NUTBAG IN THE FACE OF TRAGEDY GOES TO.....MICHAEL SAVAGE!


It takes a special kind of Nutbag to complain about a disaster which affected (and continues to affect) millions of people. But Michael Savage is just the right Nutbag for the job...and managed to get his nomination in just before the end of the year, guaranteeing his spot on my list.

On his Dec. 31 radio show, Nutbag Savage had this to say about the Asian tsunami's:

"We shouldn't be sending as much as we're sending. Bush has a lot of gall writing a check for 135 million dollars. This is more a UNICEF deal, it's a U.N. deal, it's a Bahrain, Saudi Arabia, George Soros, Bill Clinton bleeding-heart-liberal deal. I don't want to send them any money. You know, a few airplanes with some medical supplies and a little lip service would have been fine for me."

Wait, it gets worse:

"You could take the argument that it's God's will, it's too bad and let's move on. And then let others help them. They're not in our sphere of interest."

And the cherry on top:

"It's not a tragedy. I wouldn't call it a tragedy. It's a human disaster. It's not a tragedy in that sense. But, the issue is, theological questions suddenly arise. ... Now, for you atheists, you have no questions about this. It's a pure accident of nature. You don't ask yourself, "Was it God's hand?"

...You could argue, maybe this is God's hand, because some of their brethren struck Christian America. Maybe God speaks the truth but waits. Seeks the truth and waits. I don't know. You could argue: God struck them. Now, I don't argue that because I'm not a theologian. Nor do I believe that God is omnipotent. I believe God is omnipresent. But I don't think God has control over every act because there would be no free will and I don't believe in that. ... But then again, who knows? I'm one man amongst billions of people, with one man's opinion."

Only one Nutbag's opinion...thank God for that.



THE AWARD FOR A NUTBAG TURNING THE HOUSE OF MOUSE INTO THE HOUSE OF BUSH...MICHAEL EISNER!


After refusing to release Michael Moore's "Fahrenheit 911" on the grounds that it was 'politically charged,' Eisner's Disney went on to produce hours and hours of pro-Bush material in the form of powerful talk radio hosts such Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, Bill O'Reilly, Laura Ingraham and Matt Drudge.



AND THE AWARD FOR WORST NUTBAG MURDERING SLIMEBALL OF THE YEAR GOES TO....SCOTT PETERSON!



Need we say more?



THE AWARD FOR LAMEST NUTBAG EXCUSE OF 2004 GOES TO...JANET JACKSON AND HER SUPER BOWL "WARDROBE MALFUNCTION!"


What was worse: the flashing itself, the silly excuse or the constant rehashing of it by all forms of media worldwide? You be the judge.




THE AWARD FOR NUTBAG ON A PERSONAL DRUG CRUSADE GOES TO...NEIL NOESEN!


Pharmacist Nutbag Noesen gets this spot on the list for refusing to fill a college student's prescription for birth control pills because it offended his religion (see my post: IT'S GOOD TO BE PERSECUTED).



THE AWARD FOR MOST INAPPROPRIATE NUTBAG ON THE SENATE FLOOR GOES TO...DICK CHENEY!


"Go fuck yourself." -Vice President Dick Cheney to Sen. Patrick Leahy, during an angry exchange on the Senate floor about profiteering by Halliburton.



THE AWARD FOR NUTBAG WITH A WHIP GOES TO...LYNNDIE ENGLAND!


What went through her mind, really, when she decided to demean the prisoners at the Abu Gharib center in the especially nutbaggish way she chose to go about it? You're a shame to the state of West Virginia, Lynndie...and that's saying a lot.



THE AWARD FOR POST-ELECTION NUTBAG OF THE YEAR GOES TO....BOB JONES!


Bob Jones is a Nutbag Extraodinaire...so many of his actions are award-worthy. But this year, it's his disturbing and disgusting letter to President Bush following the election that earns him a place here (see my post: BOB JONES IS MAKING ME SICK).



THE AWARD FOR DUMBEST NUTBAG SEX OFFENDER OF THE YEAR GOES TO....ULRICK KEVIN WHITE!


Not only was this idiot repulsive enough to rape someone...he was stupid enough to follow it up with an appearance on the show "Blind Date." His victim recognized him, and White was quickly arrested (see my post: VICTIM SPOTS RAPIST ON "BLIND DATE").



THE AWARD FOR POP-SINGING HYPOCRITE NUTBAG GOES TO...ASHLEE SIMPSON!


Jessica's little sis gets this one for slamming those who lip-synch...and then getting caught doing so herself on SNL. Not only that, she compounds her Nutbag behavior by attempting to blame the band and indigestion. Uh-huh.



THE AWARD FOR A NUTBAG POLITICIAN BLOWING AN ISSUE COMPLETELY OUT OF PROPORTION GOES TO...THE GOVINATOR!


"All of a sudden, we see riots, we see protests, we see people clashing. The next thing we know, there is injured or there is dead people. We don't want to get to that extent." -California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger, on the dangers posed by gay marriage.

All I saw in Portland, during the weeks of gay marriages being held here, was slower traffic around the courthouse. A bit far from the Apocalypse, don't you think?




THE AWARD FOR NUTBAG SQUATTER OF THE YEAR GOES TO...BEVERLY VALENTINE!


For moving into a vacationing woman's home, changing the decor and even wearing the homeowner's clothing...Ms. Valentine is the Nutbag Squatter to end all Nutbag Squatters (see my post: WELL, YOU WEREN'T USING IT!).



THE AWARD FOR NUTBAG SINGER PROVIDING MUSICAL INCENTIVE TO STALKERS EVERYWHERE GOES TO...CLAY AIKEN!


Thanks to "Invisible," there are probably a lot more restraining orders issued in America today. And you were the cute one, Clay!



THE AWARD FOR JUVENILE DRAG-QUEEN HATING NUTBAG GOES TO...DELANA DAVIES!


For forcing an entire school district to abandon a tradition in which traditional male/female roles are switched to appease her own homophobic paranoia...Ms. Davies gets the "prize." (See my post: TEXAS SCHOOLS ABANDON "CROSS-DRESSING" DAY).



THE AWARD FOR RADIO TALK-SHOW NUTBAG OF THE YEAR GOES TO...DR. DREW!


For down-playing the tragic loss of lives due to the drug Vioxx as "no big deal," and insisting that the drug should not have been removed from the market due to "a few" deaths, Dr. Drew walks away with the prize.



THE AWARD FOR ROCK LEGEND SELL-OUT NUTBAG GOES TO...BOB DYLAN!


What were you thinking, Bob? Doing commercials for Victoria's Secret? Can money really be that tight, Bob? For shame.



THE AWARD FOR RACIST SENATORIAL CANDIDATE NUTBAG OF THE YEAR GOES TO...TOM COBURN!


We award this Nutbag Prize to Coburn for turning the Oklahoma Senate race into a big Ku Klux Klan rally and setting back race relations decades (see my post: GOP CANDIDATE SAYS 'CHEROKEE NOT REAL INDIANS').



THE AWARD FOR NUTBAG ENTERTAINER OF THE YEAR GOES TO...MICHAEL JACKSON!


He moonwalks on an SUV outside his arraignment, and takes time out from his busy schedule sleeping in beds with kids and defending himself against sexual molestation charges to complain about his portrayal in an Eminem video. Just proving once again that he's the King of Pop Nutbags.



THE AWARD FOR MOST IRONIC NUTBAG HOMOPHOBE OF THE YEAR GOES TO...MONICA SII!


What does it take to win Most Ironic Nutbag Homophobe of the Year? Simple: attempt to discriminate against two five-year-old boys...and then claim that it's the boys' FATHERS who are the problem (see my post: THE SAD IRONIES OF HOMOPHOBIC PARENTS).



THE AWARD FOR RABID BUSH-HATING NUTBAG OF THE YEAR GOES TO...KERRY FOWLER!


Now, don't get me wrong...I don't like Bush, either. But Indiana resident Fowler took it to a particularly nutbaggish extreme this year when she put up on eBay the chance to pay for her to have an anti-Bush tattoo placed on her skull.

Ink is beautiful. But Bush ink? Stay far, far away!



THE AWARD FOR NUTBAG NEWS ANCHOR OF THE YEAR GOES TO...DAN RATHER!


Always check your sources, Dan...always check your sources!



THE AWARD FOR NUTBAG MILKING HER 15 MINUTES OF FAME FOR ALL SHE'S WORTH...OMAROSA!


Are you sick of her? I know I am.



THE AWARD FOR NUTBAG TELEVISION PERVERT GOES TO...BILL O'REILLY!


He allegedly sexually harassed an employee and referred to viewers of "The Daily Show" as "dope-smoking burnouts." What a nutbag.



AND THE AWARD FOR NUTBAG OF THE YEAR GOES TO....GEORGE W. BUSH!



"Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." President Bush


And he's kept to his word, folks. That's the scary part.

So that's 2004's NUTBAGS. Idiots and self-serving jerks the world over are already hard at work to try to make it to the 2005 list. God have mercy on us all!

The Sad Ironies of Homophobic Parents

I am always saddened by hatred and bigotry in the world. Saddened, and pissed, at the same time.

And then there are the times that make you just want to scream from the rooftops, "What the FUCK?"

This is one of those times.


Gay Couple's Sons Anger Parents at Catholic School

Apparently, some less-than-open-minded parents and parishioners have accused the Roman Catholic diocese in Orange County of violating church doctrine by allowing the two adopted kindergarten-aged sons of a gay couple to enroll in the churches' school.

The group demanded that St. John the Baptist School in Costa Mesa, California permit only families that pledge to abide by Catholic teachings to attend. Current Catholic Church dogma, of course, prohibits same-sex marriages and relations.

But hurray! Proving that not everyone in the Catholic Church suffers from an acute case of Gaydaritis, the superintendent of the schools, The Rev. Gerald M. Horan, is apparently denying the parents' demands. If Catholic beliefs were strictly adhered to, the good Reverend maintains that the school would then be forced to bar children of divorce, or those whose parents used birth control or married outside the church.

"This is the quagmire that the parents' position represents," he said. "It's a slippery slope to go down."

The nutbag parents, however, are undeterred by this show of logic, reason and tolerance. Some have threatened to pull their children from the school and to even ask the Vatican itself to intervene on their behalf. Others are worried the boys' attendance will set a precedent, saying their presence is part of a larger effort by the gay community to change the church.

And in a statement that blows up irony meters everywhere, one such mother of four kids at the school, one Monica Sii, had this to say:

"The boys are being used as pawns by these men to further their agenda."

So let me get this straight (no pun intended): two gay parents attempting to get the best possible education for their children is using children as "pawns" to further their parents' agendas but a whole GROUP of parents making demands, threats and all sorts of tantrums to discriminate against two KINDERGARTENERS is NOT?

Whoa Nelly. Someone ate paint chips as a child....a whole lot of them.

What I find particularly interesting is that while the gay-bashing parents are screaming from here to Rome, the gay parents of the boys in question have chosen not to comment on the situation. If they are trying to "further the gay agenda," they are certainly not doing a good job of it, huh?

It's to the point with some people that anything a gay person does is for the sole purpose of "furthering the gay agenda," no matter what it is. It's gotten so that a gay man can't even take a shit in some towns without someone bitching that "he's trying to recruit our public restrooms to his agenda!"

Give me a break. When are people going to learn that homosexuals are no different than they are? They want the best for their families. They want the same rights and respect that heterosexuals get. They want to not be judged by what they do when they turn off the bedroom lights...which is none of anyone's damned business, anyway. Can you imagine someone saying to me, "Sorry, but your son can't go to our summer camp...you see, we happen to know that you and your hubby engage in some light bondage, and we just think that's a perversion!" It would be the height of rudeness. And yet, there are still idiots---and apparently, quite a few in Orange County, California---who want to judge others by something as meaningless (in the long run) as how they have sex and who they love.

Get over it. Blacks and Whites can marry now. Women can vote. And Gays have kids who (gasp!) deserve an education just as much as your "traditionally-reared" children do.

And any jerk who wants to discriminate against FIVE YEAR OLDS, to reject them utterly, based soley on the love lives of their parents and then has the unmitigated GALL to say that THE PARENTS are using the kids as "pawns" deserves to be strung up-side down by their short hairs and forced to listen to Yanni Live over and over until their brains melt into silly putty.

It's not as if they were using them, anyway.

Thanks, Ron!

I want to thank Ron of THE RAT SQUEAKS for fixing my blog. It's much more readable now, wouldn't you say? A million thanks to you, Ron!

R.I.P., Jerry Orbach

While suffering from the stomach flu, and stunned to near silence by the tragedy of the tsunamis, I was saddened to learn of the death of actor Jerry Orbach. His loss is a great one to film, television and Broadway. He will be greatly missed.

I'd write more, and surely he deserves it, but another blog has expressed it perfectly for me: The Blog Warrior: May he rest in peace

Thanks, Blog Warrier. You hit the nail on the head.

R.I.P., Jerry.

The Legend of the Nastiest Scratcher on Earth

I love message boards. I love tattoos. So it's no surprise that I've found a home of sorts on Tattoo Nation!, a fantastic message board (and website run by the fabulous Starr) on AOL with some of the most supportive and hilarious posters around.

We've told many funny stories over the years....but one incident that happened to me last winter has become legend on the board. Newbies often ask, "Huh?" when we make certain references to it. So in the spirit of both sharing the story with the newbies on the board, and with my ZEN PRETZEL TRICK fans, I bring you.....


THE NASTIEST SCRATCHER ON EARTH


***what follows is my original post on Febuary 2, 2004. For those who aren't in the know, a "scratcher" is an unlicensed and/or unprofessional tattoo artist who doesn't care about your art or your health. They are a scourge on the earth...but in this instance, they are a riot, too.***


Subject: The nastiest scratcher on Earth
Date: 2/8/2004 3:24 A.M. Pacific Standard Time


OK, a warning: this is a really, really nasty story. And not nasty in a fun way, lol.



DH (note:dear husband=Jonathan) and I went to buy some DVDs at Best Buy the other day (got both The Tick and The Critic), and got stuck in a long line. The guy ahead of us had some really bad tattoos. Green and blurry and just poor quality. The only one he had (that I could see) that was nice was an oriental dragon on his arm. My dh has one similar, and when the guy saw it, he struck up a conversation about our ink. Here's the conversation:



DH: Who's your artist?

GUY: Jim _______.

DH: Hmmm...never heard of him. What studio is he out of?

GUY: He works in his garage in North East.

(We exchange a look)

GUY: He's really good, though. I got my best ink from him. And he's real careful and clean. He even lets you see a test run before you get the tat.

ME: What's a test run?

GUY: You give him your design, and he tattoos it on a chicken.

DH: A chicken?

(picturing a man in a garage tattooing a live chicken...BRAWK!)

GUY: You know, a chicken breast.

(awkward pause)

GUY: That way, you know, you can see what it will look like and if you still want it, he'll do it up for you right there.

DH: Not with the same needle, I hope.

GUY: He wipes it off with a Clorox wipe. It's safe. It's not like you can get AIDS from a dead chicken! (laughs)

ME: He doesn't use a clean needle?

GUY: Oh, he will if you want one, but it will cost extra. You should get him to do you up sometime, he's the best.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Since the emergence of the Chicken Man on the board, the legend has only grown. It was determined that perhaps chickens were not the starting point. Perhaps, in an effort to economize and practice his "technique," Chicken Man resorted to use of the potato.

The running gag escalated when a drive-by poster arrived, attempting to sell CD's which claimed to teach anyone "how to tattoo." In response to CD Guy, Tattoo Nation regular Donna devised the Nasty Scratcher How-To-Tattoo List:


1) You watch da video.

2) you get a potato

3) you do good wit da potato, you get a chicken breast

4) you do good wit da chicken, you get a live plucked chicken so you know what its like to tattoo a chicken human.

5) you watch da video again

6) you tattoo the person who started dis thread to show them the success of da video.





So there you have it...the next time you're on the board (if you should be so lucky) and see us refer to a "chicken breast" or the "chicken guy," well, you'll be in on the joke. And for those of you who don't peruse AOL's message boards...I hope you got a kick out of it.



And remember me the next time you pick up some KFC.

Many Apologies...and Happy New Year to All!

Just wanted to let y'all know I haven't forgotten the ol' blog: I've been struck down with the stomach flu for the past several days. Screw the common cold...find a freaking cure for THIS already!

I also see that I have ELEVEN comments for my blog help outcry! WOW! I'll be going through them in a moment, and hopefully, I can fix this mess.

I hope everyone had a happy and safe New Year's.