Sunday, January 02, 2005

The Legend of the Nastiest Scratcher on Earth

I love message boards. I love tattoos. So it's no surprise that I've found a home of sorts on Tattoo Nation!, a fantastic message board (and website run by the fabulous Starr) on AOL with some of the most supportive and hilarious posters around.

We've told many funny stories over the years....but one incident that happened to me last winter has become legend on the board. Newbies often ask, "Huh?" when we make certain references to it. So in the spirit of both sharing the story with the newbies on the board, and with my ZEN PRETZEL TRICK fans, I bring you.....


***what follows is my original post on Febuary 2, 2004. For those who aren't in the know, a "scratcher" is an unlicensed and/or unprofessional tattoo artist who doesn't care about your art or your health. They are a scourge on the earth...but in this instance, they are a riot, too.***

Subject: The nastiest scratcher on Earth
Date: 2/8/2004 3:24 A.M. Pacific Standard Time

OK, a warning: this is a really, really nasty story. And not nasty in a fun way, lol.

DH (note:dear husband=Jonathan) and I went to buy some DVDs at Best Buy the other day (got both The Tick and The Critic), and got stuck in a long line. The guy ahead of us had some really bad tattoos. Green and blurry and just poor quality. The only one he had (that I could see) that was nice was an oriental dragon on his arm. My dh has one similar, and when the guy saw it, he struck up a conversation about our ink. Here's the conversation:

DH: Who's your artist?

GUY: Jim _______.

DH: Hmmm...never heard of him. What studio is he out of?

GUY: He works in his garage in North East.

(We exchange a look)

GUY: He's really good, though. I got my best ink from him. And he's real careful and clean. He even lets you see a test run before you get the tat.

ME: What's a test run?

GUY: You give him your design, and he tattoos it on a chicken.

DH: A chicken?

(picturing a man in a garage tattooing a live chicken...BRAWK!)

GUY: You know, a chicken breast.

(awkward pause)

GUY: That way, you know, you can see what it will look like and if you still want it, he'll do it up for you right there.

DH: Not with the same needle, I hope.

GUY: He wipes it off with a Clorox wipe. It's safe. It's not like you can get AIDS from a dead chicken! (laughs)

ME: He doesn't use a clean needle?

GUY: Oh, he will if you want one, but it will cost extra. You should get him to do you up sometime, he's the best.


Since the emergence of the Chicken Man on the board, the legend has only grown. It was determined that perhaps chickens were not the starting point. Perhaps, in an effort to economize and practice his "technique," Chicken Man resorted to use of the potato.

The running gag escalated when a drive-by poster arrived, attempting to sell CD's which claimed to teach anyone "how to tattoo." In response to CD Guy, Tattoo Nation regular Donna devised the Nasty Scratcher How-To-Tattoo List:

1) You watch da video.

2) you get a potato

3) you do good wit da potato, you get a chicken breast

4) you do good wit da chicken, you get a live plucked chicken so you know what its like to tattoo a chicken human.

5) you watch da video again

6) you tattoo the person who started dis thread to show them the success of da video.

So there you have it...the next time you're on the board (if you should be so lucky) and see us refer to a "chicken breast" or the "chicken guy," well, you'll be in on the joke. And for those of you who don't peruse AOL's message boards...I hope you got a kick out of it.

And remember me the next time you pick up some KFC.



At 5:13 PM, Blogger Pixie LaRouge said...

"GUY: Oh, he will if you want one, but it will cost extra. You should get him to do you up sometime, he's the best."

Oh. My. I was giggling hysterically until I came to this line. For some reason, that sent me toppling off my chair convulsed with laughter. I'm flabbergasted. Absolutely SPEECHLESS!

Thanks for the hilarity. I REALLY needed it today

At 1:36 AM, Blogger Marcus said...

Wow, that's both hilarious and a little frightening all the same time.

At 7:52 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hope he doesn't cook the chicken breast for you too!


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