It's My Pity Party, I Can Cry If I Want To

Yes, I'm throwing myself a pity party. So if you're the type who doesn't like to read these things, consider yourself warned and read no further. It's no skin off my nose, I assure you. But don't say I didn't warn you.

This flare-up of the trigeminal neuralgia does not seem to want to let up. I am sick of pain, sick of the ER and sick of doctors. I'm sick of the huge pile of things I need to do but can't get around to addressing (I still haven't even mailed all my Christmas cards yet). I'm sick of feeling useless because all I do is sleep, watch tv and cry. And I can only sleep if the pain's let up a little or I've had a shot. Which reminds me...I'm REALLY sick of shots.

I'm also feeling lonely these days. I can't talk, so I can't really talk to my Ohio friends on the phone or communicate with my Oregon friends in person. I haven't seen Fizz or Ruth in weeks. And really, there's only so much of a friendship that can be conducted via email.

I can't believe I finally get my best friend in the world to move out to Portland, and I'm too damned sick to even go to a movie with him. And "The Phantom" is out! Therein lies the rub. Fizz and I double-dated at our Prom, and the theme was "The Music of the Night" from the "Phantom." I have a photo of the two of us in our Prom gear on my computer desk. It's one of my favorite snapshots.

I know this will pass. I have to believe that, because it's too damned depressing to think otherwise. The fact that it could be MONTHS before I have relief is not a tantalizing prospect. Apparently, the neurosurgeon will not do the surgery until all my dental work is done. I've had the first wave done, but I have two more to go through and they must be spaced out several weeks. The next appointment is at the end of January; the last will be at the end of March or beginning of April. Only then can I get the surgery I need to get out of pain. And even that's not a definate: the surgery doesn't work for everyone. And in some cases, it actually makes it WORSE. I can't even fathom that.

So until then, I'm left living in this sort of limbo. I'm just surviving each day as it comes...which I suppose we all must do. Neuralgia or no neuralgia.

I think without the Internet, I would be much more stressed out. It brings me a lot of comfort to go into my support groups online, and to be able to email the people I care about when I cannot call or visit with them. My blogs keep my mind off my troubles. I highly recommend blogging for stress reduction; it's worked wonders for me. And my message boards---they are like my lifelines. I don't think the people with whom I have posted for the past five years know what they have done for me. The support I've gotten, and the endless debates to redirect my frustration...it's been priceless. A pox on AOL for putting the boards on the Internet now and completely fucking them up. Why AOL must constantly fix things that ain't broken I'll never know. Every time I see that commercial where AOL is pretending to give a damn about the opinions of its members, I want to shoot the freaking tv set into oblivion. Liars, one and all.

Well, look at me. I managed to inject a little positivism in there, didn't I? Fucked up my own pity party, so I did. So be it.



Song for the day:


"Rilkean Heart"---Cocteau Twins


Rilkean heart, I looked for you to give me transcendent experiences
To transport me out of self and aloneness and alienation
Into a sense of oneness and connection ecstatic and magical
I became a junkie for it
I came looking for the next high

And I'm sorry I've been putting the search on the wrong place
I understand that you're confused, feeling overwhelmed
Well that's a feeling state from then, the reality

With cleaning up my emotional life and getting in touch with myself
I'm beginning to ground myself in my own sense of being as an entity
One entity on the planet,
Becoming truly self reliant
And become connected with something beyond me
That is where I have to go

I'm so sorry I've been putting the search on the wrong place
You're lost and don't know what to do
But that's not all of you
That's your reality today
And that is all okay

I understand that you're confused, feeling overwhelmed
Well that's a feeling state from then, the reality

Rilkean heart

You're lost and don't know what to do
But it's not all of you
That's your reality today
And now it's all okay

I understand that you're confused, feeling overwhelmed
Well that's a feeling state from then, the reality

Rilkean Heart
I looked for you to give me transcendent experiences
To transport me out of self and aloneness sent alienation
Into a sense of oneness and connection, ecstatic and magical
I became a junkie for it
I come looking for the next high and I'm sorry I've been putting the search
on the wrong place
I understand that you're confused, feeling overwhelmed
Well love's a feeling straight from then, the reality

Growing up, my emotion of loving and
Getting in touch with myself and I'm getting
to be proud of myself and my own sense of healing
As connected to an entity of the planet

Look I'm truly self-reliant
I've become connected with something beyond me
And that is where I have to go
I'm so sorry I've been putting the search on the wrong place
I'm lost I don't know what to do
It's not all on you
That's the reality today
Right now it's gone
I understand that you're confused
Feeling overwhelmed
Well that's a feeling straight from then
The reality
Rilkean
heart

I'm lost I don't know what to do
It's not all on you
That's the reality today
Right now it's all ok
I understand that you're confused
Feeling overwhelmed
Love's a feeling straight from then
The reality