Nutbags of the Year: 2004
How does one qualify for Nutbag status? It must be an individual (not a group or organization, although many Nutbags belong to questionable groups or organizations) who defies such human traits as sympathy, empathy, logic, intelligence and common sense. Nutbags are often heinous persons with no care whatsoever for the harm they wreck upon themselves, innocent victims and society at large. We all know Nutbags in our day-to-day lives...these Nutbags "distinguish" themselves by becoming famous or semi-famous for their horrendous (or just plain stupid) activities.
On to the list!
THE AWARD FOR NUTBAG BRIDEZILLA OF 2004 GOES TO...STAR JONES!
For making the viewers of "The View" sit through endless hours of meaningless jabber about her wedding and honeymoon...Star Jones gets our first Nutbag of the Year award.
THE AWARD FOR NUTBAG CRUELLY PASSING THE BUCK GOES TO...DONALD RUMSFELD!
What kind of jerk can't find the time to actually SIGN the condolence letters sent to the families of slain soldiers fighting in Iraq? Donald would be that jerk.
THE AWARD FOR ANTI-ISLAMIC NUTBAG OF THE YEAR GOES TO...DON IMUS!
Radio host Imus had lovely things to say this year about Muslims. Just peachy things like, "They're eating dirt and that fat pig wife of his is living in Paris," which was Imus' response to the death of Yassar Arafat. When his colleague referred to Palestinians as "stinking pigs" and that we should "drop the bomb right there, kill 'em all right now," Imus responded by saying that to do so wouldn't be a great move; after all, NBC reporter Andrea Mitchell is "over there," and "...we don't want anything to happen to her." Last but not least, following the crash of a civilian Iranian airliner in February, which killed 43 people, Imus said: "When I hear stories like that, I think 'Who cares?'"
Racist Nutbag Galore: Don Imus.
THE AWARD FOR NUTBAG ENTERTAINER SURRENDING TO COMMERCIALISM ANCIENT RELIGION GOES TO...MADONNA!
She's made millions believe Kabbalah is not the intense, scholarly study of ancient Judaic traditions that the previous millennia has led us to believe...no! It can be achieved through t-shirts and red string bracelets. Way to go, Madge.
THE AWARD FOR NUTBAG IN THE FACE OF TRAGEDY GOES TO.....MICHAEL SAVAGE!
It takes a special kind of Nutbag to complain about a disaster which affected (and continues to affect) millions of people. But Michael Savage is just the right Nutbag for the job...and managed to get his nomination in just before the end of the year, guaranteeing his spot on my list.
On his Dec. 31 radio show, Nutbag Savage had this to say about the Asian tsunami's:
"We shouldn't be sending as much as we're sending. Bush has a lot of gall writing a check for 135 million dollars. This is more a UNICEF deal, it's a U.N. deal, it's a Bahrain, Saudi Arabia, George Soros, Bill Clinton bleeding-heart-liberal deal. I don't want to send them any money. You know, a few airplanes with some medical supplies and a little lip service would have been fine for me."
Wait, it gets worse:
"You could take the argument that it's God's will, it's too bad and let's move on. And then let others help them. They're not in our sphere of interest."
And the cherry on top:
"It's not a tragedy. I wouldn't call it a tragedy. It's a human disaster. It's not a tragedy in that sense. But, the issue is, theological questions suddenly arise. ... Now, for you atheists, you have no questions about this. It's a pure accident of nature. You don't ask yourself, "Was it God's hand?"
...You could argue, maybe this is God's hand, because some of their brethren struck Christian America. Maybe God speaks the truth but waits. Seeks the truth and waits. I don't know. You could argue: God struck them. Now, I don't argue that because I'm not a theologian. Nor do I believe that God is omnipotent. I believe God is omnipresent. But I don't think God has control over every act because there would be no free will and I don't believe in that. ... But then again, who knows? I'm one man amongst billions of people, with one man's opinion."
Only one Nutbag's opinion...thank God for that.
THE AWARD FOR A NUTBAG TURNING THE HOUSE OF MOUSE INTO THE HOUSE OF BUSH...MICHAEL EISNER!
After refusing to release Michael Moore's "Fahrenheit 911" on the grounds that it was 'politically charged,' Eisner's Disney went on to produce hours and hours of pro-Bush material in the form of powerful talk radio hosts such Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, Bill O'Reilly, Laura Ingraham and Matt Drudge.
AND THE AWARD FOR WORST NUTBAG MURDERING SLIMEBALL OF THE YEAR GOES TO....SCOTT PETERSON!
Need we say more?
THE AWARD FOR LAMEST NUTBAG EXCUSE OF 2004 GOES TO...JANET JACKSON AND HER SUPER BOWL "WARDROBE MALFUNCTION!"
What was worse: the flashing itself, the silly excuse or the constant rehashing of it by all forms of media worldwide? You be the judge.
THE AWARD FOR NUTBAG ON A PERSONAL DRUG CRUSADE GOES TO...NEIL NOESEN!
Pharmacist Nutbag Noesen gets this spot on the list for refusing to fill a college student's prescription for birth control pills because it offended his religion (see my post: IT'S GOOD TO BE PERSECUTED).
THE AWARD FOR MOST INAPPROPRIATE NUTBAG ON THE SENATE FLOOR GOES TO...DICK CHENEY!
"Go fuck yourself." -Vice President Dick Cheney to Sen. Patrick Leahy, during an angry exchange on the Senate floor about profiteering by Halliburton.
THE AWARD FOR NUTBAG WITH A WHIP GOES TO...LYNNDIE ENGLAND!
What went through her mind, really, when she decided to demean the prisoners at the Abu Gharib center in the especially nutbaggish way she chose to go about it? You're a shame to the state of West Virginia, Lynndie...and that's saying a lot.
THE AWARD FOR POST-ELECTION NUTBAG OF THE YEAR GOES TO....BOB JONES!
Bob Jones is a Nutbag Extraodinaire...so many of his actions are award-worthy. But this year, it's his disturbing and disgusting letter to President Bush following the election that earns him a place here (see my post: BOB JONES IS MAKING ME SICK).
THE AWARD FOR DUMBEST NUTBAG SEX OFFENDER OF THE YEAR GOES TO....ULRICK KEVIN WHITE!
Not only was this idiot repulsive enough to rape someone...he was stupid enough to follow it up with an appearance on the show "Blind Date." His victim recognized him, and White was quickly arrested (see my post: VICTIM SPOTS RAPIST ON "BLIND DATE").
THE AWARD FOR POP-SINGING HYPOCRITE NUTBAG GOES TO...ASHLEE SIMPSON!
Jessica's little sis gets this one for slamming those who lip-synch...and then getting caught doing so herself on SNL. Not only that, she compounds her Nutbag behavior by attempting to blame the band and indigestion. Uh-huh.
THE AWARD FOR A NUTBAG POLITICIAN BLOWING AN ISSUE COMPLETELY OUT OF PROPORTION GOES TO...THE GOVINATOR!
"All of a sudden, we see riots, we see protests, we see people clashing. The next thing we know, there is injured or there is dead people. We don't want to get to that extent." -California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger, on the dangers posed by gay marriage.
All I saw in Portland, during the weeks of gay marriages being held here, was slower traffic around the courthouse. A bit far from the Apocalypse, don't you think?
THE AWARD FOR NUTBAG SQUATTER OF THE YEAR GOES TO...BEVERLY VALENTINE!
For moving into a vacationing woman's home, changing the decor and even wearing the homeowner's clothing...Ms. Valentine is the Nutbag Squatter to end all Nutbag Squatters (see my post: WELL, YOU WEREN'T USING IT!).
THE AWARD FOR NUTBAG SINGER PROVIDING MUSICAL INCENTIVE TO STALKERS EVERYWHERE GOES TO...CLAY AIKEN!
Thanks to "Invisible," there are probably a lot more restraining orders issued in America today. And you were the cute one, Clay!
THE AWARD FOR JUVENILE DRAG-QUEEN HATING NUTBAG GOES TO...DELANA DAVIES!
For forcing an entire school district to abandon a tradition in which traditional male/female roles are switched to appease her own homophobic paranoia...Ms. Davies gets the "prize." (See my post: TEXAS SCHOOLS ABANDON "CROSS-DRESSING" DAY).
THE AWARD FOR RADIO TALK-SHOW NUTBAG OF THE YEAR GOES TO...DR. DREW!
For down-playing the tragic loss of lives due to the drug Vioxx as "no big deal," and insisting that the drug should not have been removed from the market due to "a few" deaths, Dr. Drew walks away with the prize.
THE AWARD FOR ROCK LEGEND SELL-OUT NUTBAG GOES TO...BOB DYLAN!
What were you thinking, Bob? Doing commercials for Victoria's Secret? Can money really be that tight, Bob? For shame.
THE AWARD FOR RACIST SENATORIAL CANDIDATE NUTBAG OF THE YEAR GOES TO...TOM COBURN!
We award this Nutbag Prize to Coburn for turning the Oklahoma Senate race into a big Ku Klux Klan rally and setting back race relations decades (see my post: GOP CANDIDATE SAYS 'CHEROKEE NOT REAL INDIANS').
THE AWARD FOR NUTBAG ENTERTAINER OF THE YEAR GOES TO...MICHAEL JACKSON!
He moonwalks on an SUV outside his arraignment, and takes time out from his busy schedule sleeping in beds with kids and defending himself against sexual molestation charges to complain about his portrayal in an Eminem video. Just proving once again that he's the King of Pop Nutbags.
THE AWARD FOR MOST IRONIC NUTBAG HOMOPHOBE OF THE YEAR GOES TO...MONICA SII!
What does it take to win Most Ironic Nutbag Homophobe of the Year? Simple: attempt to discriminate against two five-year-old boys...and then claim that it's the boys' FATHERS who are the problem (see my post: THE SAD IRONIES OF HOMOPHOBIC PARENTS).
THE AWARD FOR RABID BUSH-HATING NUTBAG OF THE YEAR GOES TO...KERRY FOWLER!
Now, don't get me wrong...I don't like Bush, either. But Indiana resident Fowler took it to a particularly nutbaggish extreme this year when she put up on eBay the chance to pay for her to have an anti-Bush tattoo placed on her skull.
Ink is beautiful. But Bush ink? Stay far, far away!
THE AWARD FOR NUTBAG NEWS ANCHOR OF THE YEAR GOES TO...DAN RATHER!
Always check your sources, Dan...always check your sources!
THE AWARD FOR NUTBAG MILKING HER 15 MINUTES OF FAME FOR ALL SHE'S WORTH...OMAROSA!
Are you sick of her? I know I am.
THE AWARD FOR NUTBAG TELEVISION PERVERT GOES TO...BILL O'REILLY!
He allegedly sexually harassed an employee and referred to viewers of "The Daily Show" as "dope-smoking burnouts." What a nutbag.
AND THE AWARD FOR NUTBAG OF THE YEAR GOES TO....GEORGE W. BUSH!
"Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." President Bush
And he's kept to his word, folks. That's the scary part.
So that's 2004's NUTBAGS. Idiots and self-serving jerks the world over are already hard at work to try to make it to the 2005 list. God have mercy on us all!