Sunday, January 05, 2014

The Meloni-Trump Rule

Whilst wasting time on a message board today, I came across this question:

"What are your major turn-offs?"

Now, I have been married for many, many years. The last time I had a date Kurt Cobain was still alive. Thus, it has (thankfully) been a long time since I have had to concern myself with things like body chemistry and deal breakers. Needless to say, the question was, for me, purely academic.

As it turns out, my turnoffs haven't changed in the eons since Jonathan and I were wed. So I put in my two cents:

"I don't tend to like blondes. And I prefer a guy with tattoos. My major turnoff? Big, gigantic muscles. The kinds where the veins look like they are trying desperately to jump ship. One of my closest friends just loves guys like that: big guns, six-packs, gym-five-times-a-week guys. Ugh. No thanks..."

I then wondered just what physical characteristic was, in my opinion, worse than the average steroid addict. What physical characteristic would be the equivalent of an Arctic-level cold shower were I a woman with no ring on my left hand.

It didn't take long to nominate a candidate. It is a problem that men have tackled for years, and modern technology has yet to solve:

"...oh, and not going bald with dignity. I hate the Hair Games: bad combovers (is there any other kind?), weird Caesars, freaky hair plugs, dead-animalish toupees. Either shave your head entirely or own your pate. Remember: Christopher Meloni is hot. Donald Trump isn't."

Voila! Thus was born the Meloni-Trump Rule: when going bald, be Meloni. Do not be Trump.

Both Christopher Meloni and Donald Trump very clearly have male pattern baldness. Meloni is quite obviously a man comfortable in his own skin, regardless of the fact that there's more of his hair in the shower drain than on his head. His confidence and refusal to resort to the Hair Games makes him all the more sexy. Definitely a role model for the high hairline set.

And there, on the exact opposite scale from Meloni, sits business man and reality star dismisser Donald Trump. And the very first thing most people notice about the Donald? His extremely ridiculous combination combover and Caesar with a sprinkling of bad toupee on top. Obviously the Donald has complicated "hair."

Easily the worst aspect of Trump's frankenhair is his constant and unconvincing insistence that he is absolutely not balding, and he simply grows polyester hair naturally. Don't all super-rich douchebags sprout petrochemical strands of hair at will? No? Perhaps that's what l those ultra-exclusive country clubs are for: playing bad golf and getting ass-to-scalp hair transplants. The rich really do live differently than we do.

Gentlemen, take note! The giant rhymes-with-Dolores in the film "South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut" told you all you need to know as to why the Meloni-Trump Rule applies to damn near all of your follically-challenged brethren: chicks dig confidence.

Be confident in your ability to rock every inch of your receding hairline. Most women are indeed attracted to men who are in possession of a healthy dose of self-esteem. Secure men. Confident men. And wearing a bad rug is the very opposite of confidence. It's instead the biggest turnoff of them all: desperation.

I think the photos below serve as more than enough evidence to prove the need for my cranial proclamation. I chose these two men because they truly represent the two extremes of baldness: sexy Meloni and cringeworthy Trump. Look at them, look at yourself in the mirror, and adjust your scalp accordingly.

Of course, that's just this blogger's opinion. Your mileage may vary.

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