I Just Might Shoot the Television

Being sick means watching a lot of tv. Here are my observations:


THE SURREAL LIFE

This show is like a pop icon train wreck...and I admit to watching it freely. If the first episode of this season is any indicator, it's going to be the WEIRDEST season yet. Here's some things I picked up from it:

A) When did Christopher Knight get so hot? The ladies are all lovin' the Brady. He also seems to be a nice guy...this season's Eric Estrada or Dave Colier.

B) Who does Da Brat think she is? Telling Jane Weidlin SHE'S a has-been? Hello? What has Da Brat done in the past decade, other than bad pop-rap semi-"hits" and an appearance in what has got to be one of the worst movies ever (Glitter)? Get a clue: if you still had a career, honey, you wouldn't be doing this show.

C) Did they really need to put TWO models in the SL house? It's a bit of overkill, don't you think? And as far as I can tell, all Markus does is....well, nothing. He barely speaks. He just sits and looks pretty. So be it.

D) What a mean, extremely silly person Chyna is. A woman in that kind of physical condition, taking a room away from a man who needs a scooter to get around the house? And then practically making him BEG to get it back? What a bitch.

E) I must say, it's far more palatable to see Adrienne from "Top Model" parade around naked than it was to see Bridget Neillson parade around naked. Maybe I won't have to put out my eyes with a fork this time around.

F) Man, can Mini-Me DRINK. And pee in corners. I couldn't stop laughing. I know, bad me...but admit it: it was pretty fucking funny. He's one horny, drunk little dude.



QUEER EYE FOR THE STRAIGHT GIRL

Granted, it's only been one episode...but it BLEW CHUNKS. I love "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy." It's a great show. But this? It's just a mess. One of the guys (the blonde one) seems intent on copying Carson to a tee. The bald guy's accent is so thick, that added with his extreme fondness of mumbling, he's pretty much incomprehensible. And "the lady" (who apparently has no other job than to bring ovaries into the show)? As far as I can tell, she's there to drive the others around. To make matters worse, these four "experts" don't seem to actually care about the people they're helping. They are far more concerned with preening for the camera. It's boring, to say the least.

Psst...here's a helpful hint, guys: if you want to be like the first, fantastic "Queer Eye," you're going to need to CUT THE GIRLS' HAIR. How could they leave that unruly mop on that woman's head? Five minutes with hot rollers didn't do a damn thing for her....as any idiot could have predicted. And how nice of them to throw her make-up into the communal apartment-building pool...must have been real nice for the maintance guy to clean up. Bravo.

Give me Ted and Thom any day...and hold the ovarian chauffeur.


RAMSEY'S KITCHEN NIGHTMARES

This is quickly becoming one of my favorite shows, just after "Law & Order: SVU." If you haven't seen it yet...shame on you. Get your TiVO in action!

Basically, it's a BBC show about a famous Scottish chef (Gordon Ramsey, of Claridge's) who spends a week trying to get failing restaurants into shape. The twist? Ramsey is hard as nails, funnier than most comic actors today and curses like a sailor. He's also damned good at what he does...and it's hard to argue with results.

If you've ever worked in a restaurant, you'll love this show. And you'll wish Ramsey would come to the US! It's too bad that a show like RKN is just too ballsy for American television...it's our loss entirely. Thank God for BBCAmerica.


RE-RUNS

"Roseanne," "Seinfeld" and "Northern Exposure" re-runs are still funnier than damned near every newer sitcom on tv. I'll watch Elaine dance over Raymond's whining any day. And I am praising the graces of TNT and USA for rerunning episodes of "Law & Order" and "Law & Order: SVU." It makes convalescence seem...not so bad after all.


Still, if there's one thing I've learned over this bed-rest period, it's this...I can't wait for it to be over. I might just have to shoot the damned television way before that.