Friday, January 04, 2008

Write Now!

Lately, I haven't been keeping up with any of my blogs or writing in my novel. I am under a considerable amount of stress (marriage troubles, health problems, Dad's health is in the crapper, my best friend has a brain tumor and one of my closest friends has cancer), so it's not unexpected. But I do want to be able to write again, and break this lethargy.

I took a creative writing class in junior high, many, many years ago. The teacher would give us a proverb or quote or what have you, and we had to write about whatever came to mind after reading said proverb or quote or whatever. I hated doing it at the time, but now I am beginning to see the wisdom of it.

And so, I am going to start that writing exercise here on ZPT. My hope is that it will help break this writing slump I seem to be stuck in. You'll know the post is such an exercise, because I will title them "Write Now."

My first platitude is from the book Normal is Just a Setting on the Dryer by Adair Lara:

Bald Men Are Sexy

Bald men are sexy. Hmmm. I think it should read "SOME bald men are sexy." There's a big difference between Jason Alexander and Patrick Stewart. I think that in order for baldness to be sexy, the bald man has to be confident and he has to resist Bad Bald Guy Remedies. We all know what those are: the toupee. Hair plugs. The dreaded combover. The Caesar. Smelly lotions and creams. The silly tiny hat and bandana look (yes, Bret Michaels, I'm talking to you). Spray-on hair. These Bad Bald Guy Remedies actually make the men who use them LESS attractive. Which is a sad irony, as these men spend countless amounts of money to make themselves look good in spite of the baldness, when in reality, all they really needed to do was embrace their folically-challenged head and get some confidence and self-esteem. Just as the giant rhymes-with-Delores (Seinfeld reference) declared in South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut: "Chicks dig confidence." And we do.

So which bald men are, in fact, sexy? For me, the list has to begin with the super-yummy Christoper Meloni, of "Law & Order: SVU fame." Anyone else remember the episode in which he stripped down to his tiny blue underwear? (My, oh, my. If you missed it, well, thank goodness for YouTube for making that Bald Guy Sexy Moment available for Meloni fans to watch over and over and over again. Pour yourself a glass of your liquid refreshment of choice, turn down the lights and click here: Little Blue Briefs. Enjoy!) Meloni is bald and sexy because he presents himself with a great deal of confidence, courage and that little twinkle to the eye that says, "Try Meloni and you'll never go back." Women are suckers for that twinkle. I married the man who twinkled like that at me....Even Meloni's turn as the boil-covered Freakshow in Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle didn't dimish his sexiness. A less-than-confident bald guy would balk at taking on such a role. Meloni not only took the role, he obviously had a great time. You've got to respect a man who is willing to play ugly and have fun doing it. But it's his role on SVU as the tempermental Detective Stabler that really brings out the tiger in the bald man. It brings out another side as well: the family man who loves his kids. And there are few among us who can resist THAT!

Another Bald & Beautiful man is LL Cool J. Now, most of my close friends are probably saying: "What? Are you serious?" This is because I have often, and loudly, expressed my opinion about men who are too cut, particularly men who have six-packs. I know most women find big muscles and six-packs very appealing, but in general, I do not. Six-packs look to me like tumors under the skin. It is just not attractive to me in the least. I always think of the old television show "V," when the woman had the alien baby. Not my thing. Now, I don't mind a few muscles or a man who is a little toned. That can be quite nice. But when a man has worked out so much, the veins are sticking up and out of his arms and even worse, his neck....he's lost me as an admirer. I find it unnatural and repulsive.

But there is always one exception to every rule, and the exception to my "no muscle-bound alien guys" rule is LL Cool J. He's got the best example of bedroom eyes I've ever seen. When he kisses his fingertips and makes the peace sign, it's enough to make any woman melt. And that voice! I am a sucker for voices. Most women say they notice a man's eyes first, but for me, it's the voice. A sexy voice goes a long way in my lexicon. And LL Cool J definately has that sultry, girl-I'm-gonna-make-you-scream-like-a-banshee-on-Spanish-fly voice. If you need proof, check out the soundtrack for the movie Beavis and Butt-Head Do America for his cover of Chaka Khan's "Ain't Nobody": "I'm the best when it comes to making love all can take it, girl." Makes you want to take him up on the offer, doesn't it? Even his name is sexy: LL Cool J stands for "Ladies Love Cool James." On anyone else, it would smack of hubris. On LL, it's just the honest truth.

Next on my list would have to be the before-mentioned Patrick Stewart. This is another case of a bald man with a lot of confidence and a sexy voice to boot. Ah, that accent. And speaking of Beavis and Butt-head, Stewart is a big fan and reportedly has one of the largest B&B memorabilia collections on record. You've got to love a man who is sexy and has a great sense of humor. Make it so, baby. Make it so.

Here are a few honorable mentions:

Now I certainly cannot leave out Montel Williams. The talk show host and I disagree on many MS-related issues, but there is no denying that Montell is one good-lookin' man. It's also nice to see a public figure with MS still working, still sexy. Gives us all hope. Someone who practically embodies the "bald is beautiful" ideal is Taye Diggs. Who didn't do a double-take the first time they saw him? Seal is also a hairless adonis, a fact that led to his current career of impregnating supermodel Heidi Klum ("nice work if you can get it," says my husband). Another sexy man with little hair but a great voice is the great actor Sean Connery. Like a fine wine, that man just improves with age. Another "Star Trek" bald hottie is Avery Brooks (also of "Spencer: For Hire" fame). I'll visit Deep Space Nine any day for a glimpse of him. Ed Kowalczyk of the band Live deserves a mention for his lack of hair but certainly no lack of sex appeal. And finally, tennis-playing hot-head Andre Agassi (insert tasteless but still funny tennis balls joke here).

Bald men are sexy. Yes, Ms. Lara....they certainly are.

Some links:

Ten Hot Bald Celebrities

Bald Men are Hot! article and poll results

Bald R Us website
This is a support site for bald men and the women who love them...the page I linked you to above includes a great post on all the fun things you can do with a bald head. This is a great website, definately worth checking out.


At 9:24 AM, Blogger Ron Southern said...

Change the old saying about "let them eat cake" to "Let them go bald!"

I'm not bald yet, but I'm getting there.

At 10:16 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have to say I'm partial to Howie Mandel!


At 3:38 PM, Blogger Firefly mom said...

OK, he may not be completely bald (yet), but my vote is for Ed Harris.

At 4:24 AM, Anonymous Emo Hair said...

I think some bald men are sexy but I love emo hair styles most on guys.

At 4:55 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

you realise that Christopher Meloni has plugs right?


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