Sunday, September 26, 2004

Stealing John Kerry?

Today, I got an interesting e-mail from my neighborhood association. Apparently, there have been several reported thefts of "John Kerry for President" signs from various lawns in the vicinity. According to the e-mail, stealing political signs is a crime in Portland, and we should call the non-emergency line should we see such a crime in progress. Also according to the e-mail, police do not think this is a prank by bored teens.

My first question is....why our neighborhood? I guess if you were specifically targeting John Kerry signs, this would be the neighborhood to hit. Nearly every lawn has one...not a Bush supporter in sight around here. But surely we aren't the only neighborhood heavy on the Kerry/Edwards signs. This is Liberal Oregon, after all. We are a neighborhood that is probably 75% senior citizens, though, and that might make it attractive to the thieves.

My second question stealing a political sign a seperate crime from other property thefts? I mean, say I were to steal someone's pink lawn flamingo. Am I in less trouble or more trouble than I would have been had I stolen their "No on 37" sign?

My final do the police know it ISN'T bored teenagers, if no one's seen the thieves? What, they didn't find any Nike Air prints at the scene or something? And if it isn't a prank...who is it? Are we honestly supposed to believe that there are people in the Bush camp stealing the competition's signs? I'm no Shrub fan (and that's an understatement), but even I can't envision Oregon Republicans driving down our quiet streets, nudging each other and whispering, "There's one now!" as they jump out, steal the sign and burn rubber. What would be the point, really? Does anyone think that seeing a lawn sign is going to sway a vote? These aren't even busy streets...we get little traffic, save those who actually live here or the occassional person lost trying to find Walgreen's.

I can say that my sign hasn't been stolen....maybe my lawn is just too purdy for the thieves to trample (yeah, right). I can say this...I doubt I'd bother the police if someone DID steal my sign. Can you imagine? "Yes, police? Someone stole my John Kerry sign! Put out an APB!" I'm sure they'll get right on it...after all the kitty cats have been rescued from Portland's trees.

So my advice to the victims of this mini-crime spree: don't let them intimidate you. Go downtown and get another sign. Maybe put one of those nearly-invisible electric fences around it. That'll teach 'em! And my advice to the thieves: get a life already. And please...forget to vote.


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