A Note To Television Advertisers

To the obviously "talented" men, women and small rodentia who put together today's television commercials:

I, like most Americans, watch TV. I have favorite programs and shows I'll watch only when truly bored or too drunk to look for the remote. And I understand the concept of sponsored television....in order to raise revenus to put on the show, the stations sell time slots for advertisers. It's a pretty nifty idea, all in all. And there have been some really funny and entertaining commercials on television over the years. If you are responsible for some of those great ads, pat yourself on the back....you deserve it. Because obviously, you are in the minority: a special elite group of ad execs who understand that annoying the crap out of the consumer is probably NOT the best way to sell whitening toothpaste. For the rest of you, here are some clues you clearly didn't pick up on in grad school:

1) Dancing about diarrhea and vomitting isn't cute or clever....it's disturbing and disgusting. I once watched an episode of some deranged talk show, in which an unattractive moron went on and on about how much he loved having a woman vomit on him during the course of making love. Even this sad, pathetic, seriously-ill individual didn't dance. Take the hint.

2) When waking up from a long, peaceful slumber...most people do NOT want to find a creepy, moving plastic mannequin dressed up like King Friday from Mr. Roger's Land of Make-Believe on the next pillow. This does NOT make me want to eat a hamburger. It does, however, remind me to change my password on the Brinks Home Security system.

3) No one wants to steal nasty, gritty $1.99 chicken strips. NO ONE. The reason why the actors in these commercials are talking to themselves is because no one can stand to be around a person who thinks everyone is out to steal their nasty, gritty $1.99 chicken strips.

4) Is there anyone left in America, anyone, who DOESN'T know that Medicare might cover the cost of your diabetic testing supplies?

5) When on a romantic boat ride on a tranquil lake with the guy of your dreams and the boat springs a leak...Mr. Right is NOT going to be impressed by your quick-thinking and clever use of a tampon to stop up the hole. He's going to be grossed out...and he'll lose your number. And probably swim to shore.

6) We've all heard the joke about a bear shitting in the woods....it's not funny. Neither are cartoon bears dancing about shitting in the woods. See, it's that dancing thing again...if it belongs in the bathroom, it's not something to waltz about.

7) For cripe's sakes, somebody give the damned Trix bunny a bowl of cereal already.

8) No family really wants to spend Saturday at Sears.

9) Kelly Ripa, sitting next to Regis and regurgitating Mary Poppins-type platitudes all morning is annoying. Kelly Ripa, running her hands through her hair and telling us how fab-u-lous it feels after a good peroxiding is EXCRUTIATING.

10) Look, we women didn't spend the 60's and 70's begging men to spend a little extra (ok, a lot extra) time on the preliminaries to let a bunch of bimbos wreck it all by giving men the erroneous idea that the big O is so easy for us to obtain that even a good shampoo will get us there.

So in closing: take note, my dear advertising executives of America. Go through your storyboards and discard anything containing dancing, teasing small animals with breakfast foods and Wilford Brimley. Set fire to anything that even remotely tries to make defecation or menstration look "cute." And for the love of St. Pete, never again cast Kelly Ripa in ANYTHING. And maybe, just maybe....we'll buy your whitening toothpaste after all.

Signed,
Still Looking For The Remote.