Tuesday, September 21, 2004

My baby's first birthday....it can't be!

As you may have read in my intro, I have three kids. My son Phoenix is 11, my daughter Wren is 8, and my baby Eden will be a year old on Friday.

That's just blowing me away. How can it already be a year? I remember that first year taking so much more time with my first two. Maybe it's because Eden is the last....I had a tubal a few weeks after she was born. Maybe it's because I'm older. I was almost 19 when Phoenix was born; almost 29 when Eden was born. I'm reminded of that 10,000 Maniacs song "How You've Grown," and the line, "At your age in a string of days, the year is gone. But in that space of time it takes so long."

Aging sucks in a lot ways. I don't think I was prepared to be 30. Maybe it's because I feel like a lost a year or two to MS. Those first two years...I remember so little of them, and that's probably for the best. But I think it's just the number, 30. The whole starting-a-new-decade thing. The realization that you're not exactly young anymore. And the even shittier realization that although you don't feel old, you are practically ancient to your children and their friends. My grandfather, who is 94, must seem like Methusaluh himself to them, lol.

It's funny, but my actual 30th birthday didn't affect me nearly as much as this first birthday of my youngest child. I look at her, and part of me is glad I got my tubes tied, lest I get overwhelmed by the clock ticking and all that. Another part of me is sad that I DID get it done, and I'll never have another baby. It was the right decision, don't get me wrong. My body's been through so much, and it's not right to intentionally put it through more. And I'll be honest...I loathed being pregnant. I know some women love it. I'm just not one of those women. And instead of each pregnancy and birth getting easier, as it does for most women, it got worse each time for me. I don't like those odds, lol. And at this rate, I'll probably end up with at least one of my sister's kids at some point. Heaven knows, she can't be bothered to raise them herself. But that's another rant for another day.....

So, as Jonathan (my husband) and I prepare for the last first birthday party, getting toys wrapped up and the Teletubby cake ordered (why oh why did two kids in a row have to love those dribbling morons?), it's a bittersweet experience for me. Of course, on Friday, all I'll care about is that smile, the smile of joy on the face of my baby girl. I'll cry in my Oreos after she's asleep. ;-)


At 12:22 AM, Blogger Diana Gallagher said...

I was only just thinking today that Eden is a lovely name. Pity I'm not having a child to name it such!

At 6:40 PM, Blogger Zen Angel said...

Thank you! I've loved the name since I was a young child....her middle name is Cecelia, after my late mother who died of breast cancer in '98.

Thanks for reading my blog!

At 9:29 PM, Blogger exfbonnie said...

Angle- This is the first post of yours that I read, but I love you already. You have kinda brought up many things for me. One, congrats on Eden's 1st Birthday! Two, Agree Eden is such a beautiful name!!! Once of my best friends has a sister with that name and aside from your daughters...you are the only two Ive known of. Just beautiful.
3- Im so curious as to your experience as a young mother. I was 22 when I had Hannah (call her Campbell on the site..thats her middle name)...and goodness, I seem to be at odds, People that I knew with kids had them either in high school or friends that are older and having them later. What a strange place when your around your twentys and having a child. DOnt feel like I fit in anywhere...BUt I do love this blog world.
4...MS...I will be reading more, keep going Punk Rock momma, let me know if there is anything I can do! Know that you kick ass!
5...love this mortal coil (not completely familiar but I do own one cd and love several songs on it, especially and of course Tim Buckley's Song of the siren (whooed my husband with it) or (maybe it was the Hannah..she was concieved before we were married.
6....love monty python...holy Grail....grew up watching this stuff cause of my dad, and it was quite some funny shit!
love brittish humor
7.....The telatubbies, f'n weird, I dont get them either and just cause... I dont, its the one show, I never let Hannah watch...ok, sometimes when shes at my moms, but its easy to change it because of our tv rules...so never really puts up a big fuss, except a grandma's.
8..... Someone said in sum of the 10K maniac song - The days are long, but the years go by quickly...yep, I couldnt agree more.
your awesome!


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