My baby's first birthday....it can't be!

As you may have read in my intro, I have three kids. My son Phoenix is 11, my daughter Wren is 8, and my baby Eden will be a year old on Friday.

That's just blowing me away. How can it already be a year? I remember that first year taking so much more time with my first two. Maybe it's because Eden is the last....I had a tubal a few weeks after she was born. Maybe it's because I'm older. I was almost 19 when Phoenix was born; almost 29 when Eden was born. I'm reminded of that 10,000 Maniacs song "How You've Grown," and the line, "At your age in a string of days, the year is gone. But in that space of time it takes so long."

Aging sucks in a lot ways. I don't think I was prepared to be 30. Maybe it's because I feel like a lost a year or two to MS. Those first two years...I remember so little of them, and that's probably for the best. But I think it's just the number, 30. The whole starting-a-new-decade thing. The realization that you're not exactly young anymore. And the even shittier realization that although you don't feel old, you are practically ancient to your children and their friends. My grandfather, who is 94, must seem like Methusaluh himself to them, lol.

It's funny, but my actual 30th birthday didn't affect me nearly as much as this first birthday of my youngest child. I look at her, and part of me is glad I got my tubes tied, lest I get overwhelmed by the clock ticking and all that. Another part of me is sad that I DID get it done, and I'll never have another baby. It was the right decision, don't get me wrong. My body's been through so much, and it's not right to intentionally put it through more. And I'll be honest...I loathed being pregnant. I know some women love it. I'm just not one of those women. And instead of each pregnancy and birth getting easier, as it does for most women, it got worse each time for me. I don't like those odds, lol. And at this rate, I'll probably end up with at least one of my sister's kids at some point. Heaven knows, she can't be bothered to raise them herself. But that's another rant for another day.....

So, as Jonathan (my husband) and I prepare for the last first birthday party, getting toys wrapped up and the Teletubby cake ordered (why oh why did two kids in a row have to love those dribbling morons?), it's a bittersweet experience for me. Of course, on Friday, all I'll care about is that smile, the smile of joy on the face of my baby girl. I'll cry in my Oreos after she's asleep. ;-)