What Condition My Condition Is In
Important Announcement: What Condition My Condition Is In
I've decided just to send a bulletin, and write about this on my blog (Zen Pretzel Trick), rather than email and call everyone seperately. This is partly out of laziness, and partly because I just don't want to do this more times than I absolutely have to.
It appears that my multiple sclerosis, which has followed a definite R&R course for the past ten years, has turned to secondary-progressive. This means no more attacks and remissions....just a steady progression of the disease.
No, it isn't a "for sure" thing...but I haven't had a remission now in more than a year, so it's a pretty safe bet at this point.
Yes, this is freaking me out.
No, I am not dying.
Yes, I can still walk, although most days I need my cane to do it...more so than I ever did before.
No, I don't want to talk about it....yet.
I know I hurt the feelings of many of my close friends when I kept the fact that I had MS at all a secret for many months after my diagnosis....it was with that in mind that I decided to make this bulletin (my first on Myspace). I don't want to keep these things a secret anymore. I've known about this for a couple of weeks, and I didn't keep it to myself to hurt anyone....I just needed a little time to get used to the idea.
I still need that time, so I am asking everyone to be patient with me. I'll be happy to answer any questions about this...but I just need a little time, and understanding.
Thank you for that time, that understanding...and for just being there for me. You know, so many of you have asked me, "What can I do?" You want to help, and I appreciate it...but you don't realize that you help the most by just being my friend. By laughing with me, or debating with me, or just looking at me and seeing Angel, not some woman with MS. You have no idea how invaluable that is. I don't want my whole life to be about this....and if you want to help me, you'll just be you around me, and let me be me. Let me have that bit of normalacy in my existance. Let me have a life outside of this.
And for now...respect that I need some time to come to terms with this. Maybe I am not as strong as others, I don't know....but this feels just like when I got my diagnosis in the first place. I feel like I need to throw a small pity party for myself, so I can get over it and move on with my life, like I did back then when I first heard the words "multiple sclerosis" and realized the doctor was talking about me. I'll be stronger in a week or so, once I've had that party and let myself feel disappointed and hurt and angry over this...let myself be thrown for a loop once more. Then I can recover, and be Angel again. It may sound odd, or self-indulgent, but this is how I deal with these things. Putting off dealing with those feelings has never been a good move for me. So I'm going to have those feelings now, so I can move past them and continue to fight this.
I will continue to fight. It's not in me to give up. This is nothing more than a setback....one I knew I had a 50% chance of being dealt from the get-go. And it's not without its pros as well as cons....I have to admit, not worrying about attacks coming out of nowhere anymore does have its appeal....
I want to thank everyone who made it this far for listening to my ramblings. A simple "the course of my disease has changed" probably would have sufficed....but if I can't be a drama queen at times like this, when can I be?
With all my love,