Thursday, May 26, 2005

Nutbag Authors: Sexist Men on Parade

If the heat weren't enough to make me sick this week, I've got this naseau-inducing piece of tripe to send me scrambling for the water closet: the book "Closing the Deal: Two Married Guys Take You From Single Miss to Wedded Bliss" by two complete idiots with testicles for brains.

Let's examine a few excerpts from this interview with the before-mentioned nutbrains about their book. My comments are in red:

When Rosenberg and his writing partner, advertising chairman Richard Kirshenbaum, 43, decided to write Closing the Deal it was to fill a gap, they say, in women's understanding about men, to help them understand masculine minds so that they could attract and win a mate for life. Because we all know that getting married is like winning the lottery! @@

And it was clearly a book women desperately needed, they claimed, citing the dwindling numbers of marriages and growing numbers of unhappy middle-aged, childless spinsters. I'm willing to bet that it NEVER occured to these assmunches that a middle-aged woman with no kids might actually be HAPPY to not be married to a complete turd-for-brains. If she's not...I suggest buying this book. She'll cry "Hallelujah!" and thank any deity she worships for her empty left ring-finger.

As well as "The Definite No-Nos for Dummies List", or what they term as "real Dealbreakers", the duo offer "Marriage Motivators" and advice on how women should market their various "Assets". Because Heaven knows, acting like a prostitute will always attract a man of quality.

To top it all, there are interviews with women the men believe have done the deal successfully - like Ziegfeld Folly girl Shirley Travis, now 96 (who advises "If your husband ever asks for sex, never have a bellyache or a headache If my husband asks for sex, and I don't feel like it, he knows where the vaseline is.

One of their biggest fans, he says, is an attractive, ballsy, slightly plump female friend who constantly complained that men didn't see her inner beauty.

Just three sentences from them, Rosenberg said, changed her life: "'You can say it's not fair that men don't see your inner beauty. But that's the way men are. They are not going to change.' She thought about it. Went to the gym. And is now engaged." There are not words to describe how disgusting the above paragraph is. These "men" seem to think women are nothing more than cattle: clean the cow up well, make sure the milk tastes good and someone will buy her at the market. I have three sentences for you, buddy: Kiss. My. Ass.

After leaving school and college, Kirshenbaum explains, many women now go straight into careers and don't spend enough time thinking about exactly what they want in their personal lives. Damn modern women and their desire to have a career instead of being barefoot and pregnant!

"Like the messy girl we wrote about, whose apartment was a tip," Kirshenbaum explains. "I saw her twice, but not three times. Or the other woman we talk about, who had Yapper Syndrome and said 'I am not sure why you are going out with me' so often that I began to wonder, too. Or the girl who got up early to clean her teeth and look good before her partner woke. She became my wife." You married a woman because she never let you become aware of her morning breath? Good gravy. These are probably the kind of guys you see on talk shows who can't have sex with their wives anymore because they saw them give birth in the delivery room. Hey, asshole? Want a Barbie? Buy one. I promise, they'll be quiet while you burp.

It was also the women's ability to sell the whole concept of marriage to their bachelor boys that put rings on their fingers: persuading the men, without threats or ultimatums, that cohabitation would be more beneficial than living alone; that they would earn more, be socially more acceptable, have someone to fall back on. And here all along I thought that you got married because you loved someone and wanted to spend your life with them. Apparently, people should only get married to get into a higher tax bracket and all the best parties!

Although Rosenberg admits that his wife did have to walk out of the relationship for ten months to show him what he would lose if he didn't marry her - using tactics the pair call "The Art of the Bluff" - Kirshenbaum's wife knew exactly how to rope him in, the author claims. Or maybe she was trying to run, and changed her mind. Poor thing.

"You don't have to listen to our advice if you don't want to. That's fine," he adds with a smug chuckle. "Just as long as you're prepared for the consequences. Singledom. And you're single, right?" Nope. I'm married. Quite happily. To a man who actually values a woman who can think for herself. Imagine that?

Deal makers: What will make a woman irresistible to a man in search of a wife?

Likes herself. If you can't love yourself, no man can love you. "There's nothing sexier than a woman who has a good sense of herself." Unless she's fat. Then she should go to the gym. @@

Makes her man the centre of her universe. "He's in a tough world out there and he needs you to pick him up, nurture him and send him back out again, feeling good." You've got to be kidding me. Methinks these guys are longing for a 1950's-TV world. Quit watching "Nick at Nite," guys. You'll be happier for it.

Shows integrity. "As a general rule, guys don't marry women who are more morally corrupt than they are... If your past is filled with a few bad decisions, live with them and learn from them. Don't share them." Yeah, because who wants a mate who actually shares things with you? Much better to hide it and lie. People just LOVE that.

Looks feminine. "A soft skin, gentle touch, soothing voice and sensuous smell will help you close the deal." And make sure the milk tastes good, right?

Deal breakers: There are a few things that will almost certainly derail a deal...

Wearing your emotions too publicly. "Men want to marry someone steady, in control and graceful under pressure." In other words, a Stepford Wife. :::shudder:::

Being a ballbreaker at home. "Don't bring the boss home to dinner - especially if she's in a bad mood." Leave your work strops and stresses at the office. WTH is a "strop"? And there's that "sharing" thing again. That's fine if all you want is a roommate who makes booty calls. But a considerate, loving partner WANTS to help you share you stresses as much as they want to share in your successes.

Nagging. "Most guys have already had a mother who's been at them for years and they don't want a replacement." Then why do you all bitch about how we don't cook like your mom, then?

Yapper Syndrome. Men don't want to know everything about your life. "We want mystery: to see you unravel slowly." Mystery is fine...when you're dating. Marriage is a partnership, and you don't hide yourself from your partner. And why would you want to?

Dirt. "An intimate impression can derail any romance, and no one wants to wake up with a tramp with bad breath and hairy armpits." Well, we never wanted to wake up next to your beer belly, morning wood and endless gas...but we are HUMAN, after all.


I suppose there are some women out there so very desperate to get married that they will try anything, even purposefully giving money to knuckle-dragging Neanderthals like these two. But you know what the bottom line is, the core reason why books like this one and "The Rules" do not work? Because they are based on deception, on changing yourself so someone will love you forever. And the problem with that, is that eventually you will either be unable to carry on the illusion and lose him when he realizes he married an actress who took cues from a book, or you'll go mad and bludgeon him to death in his sleep.

But be sure to have clean breath and shaved armpits when you do.



At 9:29 AM, Blogger Mia's Mom said...

Thank goodness for Chris - he's the complete opposite of those idiots!

I loved your comments!

At 1:10 PM, Blogger Pixie LaRouge said...

Ya know, I'm glad I'm too smelly and hairy for either of those boneheads. Who knew deciding on longsleeves instead of a razor for a couple of days could save someone from such an unpleasant fate!

I bet neither of those guys have ever held someone's hair during a digestive pyrotechnical display due to bad sushi. And I'll bet they've never played "Tissue Toss" while both parties sit on opposite furniture and snuffle their way through a nasty virus.

Pity they're missing so much that can bring so much comfort to life...

At 6:33 PM, Blogger Angel said...

Speechless. Not that the jerks got a book deal, but that any woman would be stupid enough to a) buy it and b) attempt to change herself to attract a dork like them!

And oops guess I'm yet another exception to their "rules" ;)

Angel, your commentary on pieces like this are why I check back here more than 2 or 3 times a day ;)LOL


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