Wednesday, October 18, 2006

The News

I got the news.

My dad's ex-wife, the one he recently got back together with and the one I refer to as my "stepmonster," died of a heart attack on Sunday.

I'm still kind of in a daze about it. I have no idea how I am supposed to feel. This woman was part of my life for 18 years. When I try to think back to anything kind she might have done for me, I come up with a blank. She was a mean, abusive, miserable woman. When she and my dad divorced seven years ago, I moved on and was glad to do so. Relieved, even, to have her out of my life. When she and my dad got back together a few months ago, I was horrified. I was even more horrified when she sent me an email telling me how good she had been to me as a child!

My answer was blunt and nasty. I don't apologize for that. After two decades, I finally told that woman what I thought of her. It felt so...I don't know. Like the weight of the world dissolved from my shoulders. Apparently, though, I am now the "bad guy" in the family, because I wrote such "terrible" things to her right before she died. As if I were Kreskin, and I could tell when she was going to die and timed my words to her just for that moment.

I'm numb. I can't bring myself to care. Or to feel anything.

I wonder if this makes me a bad person? I just don't know.

Anyway, that's why I've not been around the last few days, and I'm not sure when I'll "snap out of this." How are you supposed to feel, when someone who abused you as a child has died? All I feel is numb.

72 Comments:

At 1:02 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Reminds me of my grand-mother. I definitely felt nothing when she went and took a dirt nap.

Some people are born nasty, two faced hypocritical and they work hard to perfect themselves.

The saying 'round us kids was "If only the good die young, then Gramma's got a hold on eternity."

She will not be missed by anybody, anybody sane anyway, for any reason, except as a bad example.

There are people who give you hope and faith in the human race.

Gramma was not one of them.

 
At 1:26 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Actually, I hadn't thought of the old bitch in years.

She once gave a kind of guided tour of the slums to her friends (which my mother 'caught her at' [can you imaging coming home from work and having that, uninvited, in your living room?] and banished her from our presence.)

What a disgusting, mean, two-faced, lying human. (I'm not going to disgrace the word "bitch" by associating it with her.)

The only thing I wish I had done before leaving the country was to turn her ghastly "tripych" headstone (a slab of marble you could use to surface the floor of a shopping mall, complete with a 'weeping angel' [with the charming monicker of "The Alabaster Buzzard"]) into a common grave for syphilitics and other paupers who died of social diseases.

The ony thing she's ever done was die and she took way to long to do it.

 
At 4:18 PM, Blogger Angel said...

You TOTALLY are not a bad person. And it's no wonder you feel numb.

I hope that you can come to terms with all this and be at peace ((((((Gentle hugs))))))

 
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