Tin God Syndrome: Caligula, the Ongoing Saga

Well, I have yet to hear back from the patient representative regarding my complaints about Caligula. I'll give her one more day, and then I'm calling again.

But that doesn't mean I haven't heard from Caligula himself.

Yesterday, I went to my doctor's office to be seen after my recent trip to the ER and run-in with that bastard Caligula. Now, my regular doctor isn't a bad sort. She's kind of young, but she's compassionate and willing to listen to the patient. There's a lot to be said for that.

Anyhoo, she asks me about the ER visit and I tell her all about my two run-ins with Caligula, and how awful he was. When I told her about him shaking my head and tapping my face, she was appalled. She immediately went to look for the ER report.

I could tell right away that said report wasn't good news. She had that unfortunate look on her face that people get when they are deciding whether or not to let you know you have spinach in your teeth and it was there the whole time you were talking to your boss/mother-in-law/cute bartender.

First, she tells me that according to the records from the first ER visit, Caligula did an actual physical examination for twenty-two minutes. The recommended exam for trigeminal neuralgia takes about two minutes. Secondly, he DID indeed call other hospitals to see if I had been there recently for medication, forcing me to wait in pain while he did so. His notes also indicated that he believed I was drug-seeking.

At this time, I told my doctor that Caligula never once asked for a drug test; in accordance with my pain management contract, had he asked me, I would have given him one. Just like the other dozen or so I've taken over the last few years, it would have been clean.

I can see, however, that this is NOT the bad news she's so reluctant to share. That morsel was on the second ER report.

On THIS report, the majority of his comments had more to do with my haircut, tattoos and nose ring than with my physical condition. But worse, his notes indicated that as it was the second trip in a month, in his view I was in fact drug-seeking. To bolster this belief, he added for "proof" that my left hand appeared to be burned in a manner that was consistant with a crack pipe.

A CRACK PIPE.

It took me a moment to recover from the shock of this. As I was trying to gather my thoughts, my doctor let me know in no uncertain terms that she was writing a report of her own, to be attached to the ER report, stating unequivacably that she had treated the burn within 12 hours of its occurance and it was NOT consistant with a pipe burn, but was clearly and without doubt a liquid scalding. Also, her report would include the fact that I have had numerous drug tests, and not a single one has ever shown any illegal drug use. Not to mention the fact that I have never exceeded my alloted amount of medication, did not even seek stronger medication for the first six years of my condition, and have repeatedly refused narcotics in favor of non-narcotic medicines like Torradol.

To say that I am offended and horrified by Caligula's oral diarrhea is putting it mildly. This utter bull feces is on my medical record. I, a person with a well-documented and diagnosed chronic pain disorder, have been accused of being a crackhead. A clumsy crackhead.

I've called my lawyer for advice. I'm also in the process of drafting letters to the medical board and the hospital review board. This time, Caligula's gone way too far.