Monday, June 20, 2005

A Directory of Tin Gods (So Far)

Question: What is Tin God Syndrome?

Answer: Well, Tin God Syndrome is a dreaded, terrible disease only contracted by doctors, dentists, psychiatrists, physician's assistants, nurse practioners and a few physical therapists. Not everyone in those professions, thankfully, will catch this horrible syndrome. For those who do, however, it is incurable...and affects not only the professional, but his unwitting patients as well.

Symptoms include: believing one to be infalliable, never admitting to mistakes
(believing, of course, that they can never MAKE mistakes), deception, snottiness, holier-than-thou attitude and a generally insuffrable personality. It manifests itself in many ways, some of which are still being discovered and diagnosed. Treatment would be recommended, if Tin God Syndrome sufferers believed they needed it and would, as a result, take it. But those with Tin God Syndrome have either never heard of "physician, heal thyself," or they believe it applies to someone else. But not them. Never them.

THE ZEN PRETZEL TRICK is dedicated to helping diagnose the various strains of Tin God Syndrome, and to helping patients both recognize when and if their doctor has it. As we said, Tin God Syndrome is incurable. But patients can be aware...and find a new, unafflicted physician.

Here are the various categories of Tin Doctor Syndrome to date:

The Aha! Tin God and the Otherwise Busy Tin God

The Aha! Tin God is usually a mild strain of the disease: he is consumed with the desire to diagnose, even if it's the WRONG diagnosis. He especially loves to disprove any previous diagnosis made by any other health professional.

The Otherwise Busy Tin God is far too busy to be bothered with the minor matter of practicing medicine. Simply coping with being a Tin God is a job in and of itself for Otherwise Busy.

The My-Way-Or-The-Highway Tin God

My-Way-Or-The-Highway is one of the most vicious and easily-identifiable strains of the illness. Highways Tin Gods lack the part of the human brain which contains the ability to percieve that he might, in any fashion, be wrong...about anything. Highway is also very authortative and downright pushy. He has the ability to become defensive, aggressive and even vindictive. Avoid Highway Tin Gods at all costs.

The Pageant Judge Tin God

Pageant Judges believe they are so capable of diagnosis that they don't even need to actually examine a patient. They can gauge the validity of a complaint by the patient's appearance alone. Pageant Judges are incapable of seeing, and will automatically discount, any and all medical concerns from patients who have dyed hair, piercings, tattoos, bad teeth, scars or shabby clothing. Young mothers and minorities are also sometimes unfortunate victims of Pageant Judges' inability to not judge a book by its cover.

The Celebrity Tin God

Celebrity Tin Gods are doctors whose disease is so advanced that it compels them to not only expose their patients to it, but the general public as well via books, radio and television.

The Siren Tin God

Sirens often contracted Tin God Syndrome in medical school, where they were alternately fascinated by and terrified of the various descriptions of medical calamities. Sirens have little impulse control and exaggerate even the smallest symptom. While Sirens can, inadvertently, be good for your health
(sometimes all that paranoia pays off and they actually DO diagnose an illness you were unaware you had)...they are nearly always bad for your pocketbook, and your heart (when those bills for all those tests come in).

The Wannabe Tin God

Tin God Syndrome is almost always contracted solely by health professionals. Occassionally, however, a non-professional will contract a similar disorder: Wannabe Tin God Syndrome. Wannabes usually have no medical training. Many cannot even spell "biology." However, they suffer from strong delusions which convince them that they know as much, if not more, than actual doctors with actual medical degrees. Listen to them at your own risk...there's a reason they aren't doctors, you know.

Stay tuned for more Tin Gods....



At 10:49 AM, Blogger Angel said...

I've encountered all but the "Celebrity TG" in real life (though I do know of one CTG online). It's a pretty prevalent disease, isn't it? Sorry you've encountered them too!

At 10:56 AM, Anonymous Synesthesia said...

Worse of the fake doctors-"Dr" John Gray.
Hate that guy so much with his useless, cliche ridden advice. Making millions of dollars.
How the heck can a guy who isn't a real doctor, who has had 8 divorces give marriage advice?


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