My Two Cents: How to Lower Crime

Recently, a man was arrested in Madison, Wisconsin after allegedly violating his bail. It's a crime that occurs over and over in every city in America. This time, however, the Internet exploded, rocketing this particular low-level bad guy into the public consciousness.

Why? Because his name is Beezow Doo-Doo Zoppittybop-Bop Bop (in his parents' defense, they filled out his birth certificate with the not-at-all batshit-insane name of Jeffrey Drew Wilschke.)

It gave me an idea...

Perhaps we need to stop giving criminals badass nicknames like "Scarface" and "The Unabomber." Who'd rob a bank if it means a Google search on your name will produce 10,000 results for "The Stinky Creampuff"? No one wants to be saddled with an identifier like "Pudgy Toejam" for the rest of their lives. Not to mention that absolutely no one in their right mind wants their biography to be titled, "The Last Great Train Robber: The Untold Story of Bruce 'The Moldy Soft-Sausage' Colchester. "

Let these new street names hit the media, and criminals everywhere will abandon their illegal, now much less badass, criminal plans lest every single person in the free world know you best as "The Infamous Roachsnorter." Frankly, no crime is worth becoming "The Flamboyant Puppykicker" for all eternity.

Can you imagine the headlines?


CONVICTED SPY 'THE AMBIVALENT McRUNNYFART' CAUTIOUSLY LEAKED CLASSIFIED DOCUMENTS

NOTORIOUS CAT BURGLAR OBESE GOOSEFUCKER WANTED FOR QUESTIONING

COPS FINALLY MAKE ARREST IN SWEATY PIGHERPES CASE


I can think of nothing that would thrill the Internet more than to wake up tomorrow in a world where skinheads, heroin dealers and identity thieves must struggle to live under constant ridicule now that their names are synonymous with such gems as "Flaccid Asssniffer," "Putrid Knobgobbler" and "The Pissy Tantrum Gang." The Smoking Gun alone would fall to their knees in gratitude for such a bounty.

All it would take was a few minutes with YouTube's comments section and you'd have all the ammunition you'd need to turn being a "pimp" named Nate "Smoothy" Johnson into a "pudwacker" named Nate "Moist Taintaddict" Johnson.

And let's be honest...how cool would that job be? To actually get paid to mine message boards and comments for the most truly un-cool AKAs the world has ever seen. Finally, a job where being an obnoxious, insomniac WoW junkie would pay off! Smartass douchebags worldwide would be competing for the right to get paid to call a drunk driver names like "Cricketcock," "Deadfish Droopyvag" and "The Fuckpuppet Shitzu." They could even form a union: Trash Talkers Local 69. Their motto? "We're Rubber, They're Glue, What Bounces Off of Us Sticks To You FOREVER."

Come on, people. Let's get to work on this! I'm dying to watch my local news give in-depth coverage of the trial of the People vs. Jack "Eats Turds" Martin.

Aren't you?

And that was my two cents...