Oh, the Horrors! Is Your Child a Goth?

Sometimes, organized religious institutions anger me. Sometimes they disgust me. From time to time, they inspire me. Most of the time, we co-exist in near-harmony.

But in this instance...it's made me laugh out loud at their abject stupidity. At least, one church in particular: St. Mary's. This church apparently issued a "warning" to parents in their parish. Below is the unintentionally-funny edict; my comments are in red:


Is Your Child a Goth? A letter Presented by St. Mary's Church

Listed below are some warning signs to indicate if your child may have gone astray from the Lord. Gothic (or goth) is a very obscure (obscure? I've seen goths in nearly every city all over the country.) and often dangerous (dangerous? To whom?) culture that young teenagers are prone to participating in. The gothic culture leads young, susceptible minds into an imagined world of evil, darkness, and violence (unlike the Republican Party, which leads old, suseptible minds into an imagined world of evil, darkness and weapons of mass destruction). Please seek immediate attention through counselling, prayer, and parental guidance to rid your child of Satan's temptations (many goths are Christians, believe it or not) if five or more of the following are applicable to your child.

-Frequently wears black clothing. (Most of my wardrobe is black. It's SLIMMING. Oh, and I guess Coco Chanel was goth, too...she almost always wore black.)

-Wears band and/or rock t-shirts. (My husband is goth? Who knew those Metallica and Doors t-shirts would lead him that way?)

-Wears excessive black eye makeup,lipstick or nail polish. (Yep, I do that, too. So sue me.)

-Wears any odd silver jewelry or symbols. (Define "odd")

-Shows an interest in piercings or tattoos. (I do that as well. Doesn't make me goth, however, as most people in my culture have shown such interests in the past, oh I don't know, several centuries or so.)

-Listens to gothic or any other anti-social genres of music. (Marilyn Manson claims to be the anti-Christ, and publicly speaks against the Lord. Please discard any such albums IMMEDIATELY.) (Marilyn Manson is NOT goth. He's more like nu-metal. Goth is Sisters of Mercy, Siouxsie, the Cure, Rasputina. All good music...and none of them claim to be the anti-Christ.)

-Associates with other people that dress, act or speak eccentrically. (Jesus did that, you know. Quite often.)

-Shows a declining interest in wholesome activities, such as: the Bible, prayer, church or sports. (I hate sports. Bores me to tears.)

-Shows an increasing interest in death, vampires, magic, the occult, witchcraft or anything else that involves Satan. (Wicca or witchcraft have absolutely nothing to do with Satan. They don't believe in Satan. Satan is a Christian concept.)

-Takes drugs. (Well, duh...if your kid is on drugs, be concerned...even if they are still interested in church and sports.)

-Drinks alcohol. (see above)

-Is suicidal and/or depressed. (Once again...)

-Cuts, burns or partakes in any other method of self-mutilation.(This is a Satanic ritual that uses pain to detract from the light of God and His love. Please seek immediate attention for this at your local mental health center.) (I can just see my friend Venasika foaming at the mouth over this one..."cutting," or self-mutilation, is NOT a Satanic ritual. It is NOT to be taken lightly, nor does one have to be goth to suffer from it. It is a serious condition that is more like an addiction than a "detraction." And many Christians suffer from it...they aren't detracting from "God's Love" when they cut, and to say they do is to downplay the seriousness of this very complex disorder. Morons. The only thing they got right here is that you should seek help for it.)

-Complains of boredom. (I've never met a teen who DIDN'T complain of boredom.)

-Sleeps too excessively or too little. (Once again...never met a teen who didn't do either from time to time. In fact, many studies now show that teens require more sleep than do either smaller children or young adults.)

-Is excessively awake during the night. (The author of this crap has clearly never parented a teenager...and I'm beginning to wonder if s/he spent his/her teen years in a coma.)

-Demands an unusual amount of privacy. (Oh, come on now. EVERY teen does this.)

-Spends large amounts of time alone.

-Requests time alone and quietness. (This is so that your chid may speak to evil sprits through meditation.) (OK, I am laughing so hard I can't see straight to type. "Speak to evil spirits"? Come on. They're most likely MASTURBATING. Which does require time alone. If memory serves.)

-Insists on spending time with friends while unaccompanied by an adult. (Once again, was the author ever a teenager?)

-Disregards authority figures; teachers, priests, nuns and elders are but a few examples of this. (Yep. Fuck 'em all.)

-Misbehaves at school.

-Misbehaves at home.

-Eats excessively or too little. (If it's a sign of eating disorder...yes, be concernced. Eating disorders are on the rise in this country. I must say, however, that I've never known an anorexic goth).

-Eats goth-related foods. Count Dracula cereal is an example of this. (My sides hurt.)

-Drinks blood or expresses an interest in drinking blood. (Vampires believe this is how to attain Satan. This act is very dangerous and should be stopped immediately.)

-Watches cable television or any other corrupted media sources. (Ask your local church for proper programs that your child may watch.) (Isn't TBS on cable? The unholy bastards!)

-Plays videos games that contains violence or role-playing nature.

-Uses the internet excessively and frequently makes time for the computer.

-Makes Satanic symbols and/or violently shakes head to music. (Headbanging is now goth?)

-Dances to music in a provocative or sexual manner. (Uh-oh! Britney Spears is a goth!)

-Expresses an interest in sex. (That sinches it...this person has never had a teenaged child.)

-Masturbates. (Or been a teenaged child.)

-Is homosexual and/or bisexual. (Give me a fucking break.)

-Pursues dangerous cult religions. Such include: Satanism,
Scientology, Philosophy, Paganism, Wicca, Hinduism and Buddhism. (BUDDHISM and HINDUISM are CULTS? I am convinced that the only way this author could raise their IQ is by standing on a chair.)

-Wears pins, stickers or anything else that contains these various phrases: "I'm so gothic, I'm dead", "woe is me", "I'm a goth". (You mean, proclaiming that you're goth might mean you're....I don't know...GOTH? You don't fucking say?)

-Claims to be a goth. (This may very well be the stupidest person on the face of the Earth.)

If five or more of these apply to your child, please intervene immediately. The gothic culture is dangerous and Satan thrives within it. If any of these problems persist, enlist your child into your local mental health center (yes, I'm sure that counselors are just dying to treat your kid for "gothism." Sorry, but it's NOT a mental disease, you idiot).

~St. Mary's Catholic Church


Well, according to this, I'm a goth and must, therefore, worship Satan and/or be chronically depressed. I'm sure they would be terribly surprised to find out that I'm a Christian punk with no mental illnesses of any kind, thank you very much. Not that they would listen. They would be too busy running from me, screaming for the holy water.

And by the way...I fucking hate Marilyn Manson.